We've Got a Live One!!

So it seems that I'm keeping up with my terrible "once-every-two-and-a-half-week" posting average. Yay me! I wish my life were interesting enough to post more regularly, but if I posted daily you'd be hearing tales of what I ate for breakfast and the kind of socks I wore. And let's be honest....no one wants that.

Since I last posted, a few things have happened. Most excitingly, I had my NT Scan this week! Last time I saw my baby, it looked like an upside down melted gummy bear. Cute, nonetheless, but essentially looked more like a Rorschach test than an actual human being. This time, the minute the screen lit up, I saw my baby's profile and little legs kicking away! It was absolutely unreal. Check out that cute little nose and those lips! I am so in love!

While the baby is growing, my gut is definitely growing too. I can still fit into some of my jeans, but why bother when maternity pants have the stretchy waistband that doesn't show the muffin top?  My face was a wreck in this photo, so instead, I give you this.....13 weeks on the dot!

By some stroke of luck, my OB does an initial anatomy scan at 16 weeks in addition to the complete anatomy scan at 21 weeks, thus, in about 3 weeks I may know whether this little nugget is a boy or a girl! We did not tell our families if/when we are finding out the sex, so my hope is that I can surprise them at Christmas with a wrapped/framed ultrasound photo with either a blue bow tie on the neck for a boy, or a pink bow on the head for a girl. I always, always said I wanted to wait to find out the sex at birth, but now that I'm here, I just don't think I have the patience to wait. 

Speaking of Christmas.....I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet, but I can't.freaking.wait for Christmas! J and I haven't put up a tree or decorated in 2 years.  Between traveling home for Christmas and not being able to celebrate here, we just haven't put the effort in, but this year, we are starting new Christmas traditions as a family. Saturday, we are going to pick up a REAL Christmas tree and today, I started decorating. I made a wreath, and also hung our stockings. Here they are: 

The wreath was made with thick cable yarn, silver glitter pine cones, silver bells, and a wooden letter with silver glitter. For the stockings, I picked up some twine wrapped initials for each of us, and since we don't have a chimney to hang them from with care, they are hung from wall sconces. Improvise, I say!  I am so excited to decorate everything else! We are going to go with deep cranberry red, silver, glitter, and pine. I think it will be beautiful!

Finally, because this post was generally serious and we all know that's not totally my style, I'll leave you with my tragic moment for the day; I nearly shit my pants while sitting in stop and go traffic on the way home from the store. If it wasn't for a lot of ass-cheek clenching, I would have had a disaster on my hands. Things are going south. I'm skeered. 

The Filling in a Shit Sandwich

That's what the last few weeks have felt like. How's THAT for descriptive??

I've been insanely busy with work for the last few weeks, counting down to our biggest event of the year. I have hated nearly every moment of the preparation, especially while riding a near constant wave of nausea, but hallelujah! The event is over! And for the most part, so is my morning sickness! Woohoo! I feel like I should knock on would and avoid jinxing myself, but the last few days have been substantially better, which has me hoping that things are on the upswing and maybe I'll even start to get some energy back soon. I'm still tired most of the time, but I'll chalk that up to the work craziness, and hope that goes away with the conclusion of the event as well.

So while I can safely say that life should calm down a bit going forward, I couldn't be happier that I am a few short minutes away from this day being OVER! I put in a 16 hour day yesterday, a 12 hour day today, spent the evening cleaning up vomit (not my own), and returned home to find I had locked myself out of my apartment......and my husband is out of town for work. Yeehaw! I lost a credit card in the process of trying to break in, and pissed of my Super by waking him up, but I am in. In my pajamas. And planning a well-timed half day tomorrow. AND I just ate Aunt Jemima blueberry waffles. So there's that.

In terms of pregnancy updates - I'm trucking along at almost 11 weeks, which is kind of mind blowing.

I found an OB and have my first appointment as a "normal" pregnant woman this week. I am hoping that I'll get to see the baby again, but don't really know what to expect. IF brain still gets the best of me sometimes, and I feel like I need the ultrasounds to rely on in order to believe that everything is ok, but I know that after hearing the heartbeat 3 times that the odds of anything going wrong are very small. 

I'm also getting "thick." That's just a word I use to make me feel better about the fact that I am so bloated on top of having been 20 pounds over my "happy weight" before I even got pregnant. Grrr! Thick is probably not the right word though. I look like I have a toddler's pool floatie around my waist. 

If all goes well at my appointment, I'm planning on telling my boss next Monday, and making it Facebook official on Wednesday at 12 weeks. The whole thing is kind of scary, because that makes it real, but it will also be kind of nice to stop hiding it. 

Randomly, my sister heard a fun fact on the radio, that when people announce they are pregnant, a ridiculously high percentage of people immediately think of the pregnant person having sex with their partner. First of all, I refuse to believe this, because I have never done that.  Secondly, we DIDN'T have sex to get pregnant, so haha, weirdos! You're barking up the wrong tree! Surprise! Imagine a petri dish, and you're right on target. :)

Oh Hai - Remember Me?

Yeah, I suck at life.

The last several weeks have been........interesting? Enlightening? I'm not really sure. But essentially, I have been ridiculously busy and finally decided, enough is enough....I NEED to update my blog or people are going to start judging me for being a terrible blogger. Oh.....wait.......

Anyways, here's what's new in my world:

1) We got to see/hear our baby for the last 3 weeks! I have no idea what I am seeing when I am looking at the ultrasound, but there is a blob there, and it has a heartbeat, so I'm pretty confident that little chicken nugget looking thing is my kid! It's probably one of the most amazing things ever. I have pretty much counted days between ultrasounds, just to hear that little thump, thump again and know that at least for now, everything is ok.

2) I have felt like poop. Literally. I am bloated, farty, nauseous most of the time, have heartburn, am exhausted, and generally feel like a lesser version of myself. My pants don't fit, my boobs feel like bowling balls, and I am breaking out. I am not going to lie and say that I love every minute. No matter how much I hoped and prayed and waited for this baby, being up all night essentially dutch-ovening yourself while you cling to the stack of saltines by your bed and pray you don't vomit on your sheets, is less than fun. That said, the time is really flying by, and even more than wishing first tri away because of the aforementioned fun stuff, I really am wishing for a little bit greater feeling of being "out of the woods" so to speak. I have no reason to think that things won't be completely ok, but getting past that 12 week mark just symbolically means something.

3) I graduated from my RE today! That in itself was a big step, and really pretty bittersweet. I didn't know what to do with myself. Kind of like this scene on Talladega Nights:

I mean.....what do you do to say thank you to someone that gave you a miracle?  It didn't feel right to say "thanks" and then leave. It also didn't feel right to cry while clinging to my RE for dear life, which is what I kind of felt like doing.  I decided that I will send a thank you card and a box of cupcakes, and follow that up with a baby picture come June.

4)Work, Work, Work. Oy vey. I have been working overtime, evenings, weekends, and even in my sleep, it seems. This is perhaps the busiest time of year for us, and I have to keep up. The last month has been intense, and it will be 2 more weeks of racing towards the finish line before things let up. Oh, and one more thing - I'm trying to interview for another job in there too. So that keeps life interesting!

Overall, I am hanging in there, and clearly setting the bar high in terms of expectations for this blog.  I hope that at some point, I can gussy it up a bit, pull my head out of my ass, and start contributing more.  In the mean time, adjust your expectations accordingly. :)

Day 6...

Six days ago, I heard the most amazing words since my husband said "I do." I got the phone call that said, "Congratulations, you're pregnant." I am still in a state of disbelief. I want to preface this post by saying that if you are hoping that this is a bouncing off the walls post - this won't be it. I'll explain....

When I went in on Monday for my blood draw, I was feeling optimistic because of the positive tests, but I was still cautious because I didn't know if the hcG trigger was causing the lines. Since IF trains you to become used to disappointment, I'm of the mindset of preparing for the worst. My first beta came back at 75. While it was a good first beta, I couldn't really allow myself to feel much of anything until I went back to see if it doubled. On Wednesday, the number came back at 180, and my estrogen and progesterone levels were good. so it started to feel slightly more real.  My family knew that we were going through IVF, so they had been waiting to hear the results. Needless to say, they are thrilled for us.

And here I am, wanting so bad to be excited. Trying so hard to believe that this is real. But stupid infertility brain is doing everything it can to protect me from disappointment. To make me assume the worst so that when what I have always expected is the inevitable happens, I won't be completely crushed. It's a horrible feeling to have. On top of it is the guilt that I am not bouncing off the walls. How can I NOT be thrilled when the thing that I have been wanting and praying for for nearly 3 years has finally happened. I know that this isn't right - I know that I need to adjust my thinking. I just feel so conflicted. I want to enjoy every last minute that I am pregnant, no matter how long it lasts.  I need to have faith that this is our take home baby.

For now, I am pregnant.  I have been pregnant for 6 days. And I love our baby.

My Last 10 Days in Pictures

So, a week and a half ago, I went to the RE for a checkup, and they were all like "Drop your pants and spread 'em!" And I was like:

BUT, as usual, I obliged. They took a look at the real estate and told me that everything looked awesome and I should come in on Saturday to double check things, but to plan for the embryo transfer on Monday!  So I was like.....

But inside, I was like:

So, I semi-patiently waited till Saturday, and then until Monday. My transfer was supposed to be at 12:30, but at 2pm, I was STILL waiting. 

Finally, they brought me back for the procedure. Before the transfer they showed me a picture of the embryo they were transferring.

How cool is that??! That's MY baby! Ok, really, it's my ball of cells, but it's the closest to a baby I've ever come. As I was spread-eagle on the table with my legs in stirrups, the embryologist showed me the embryo on the screen. It was actually hatching! I could see the bubble on the side showing where it was breaking out and getting ready to implant. Perhaps the coolest thing ever.  After the transfer was done, I laid around for about 30 minutes, and then got an ass-shot of hcg and was sent on my way, with a picture of what was referred to as my "excellent quality" blastocyst and instructions for the next week. Which essentially consisted of returning to my normal activities, sans caffeine and alcohol.  Although I've done a whole lot of this as well:

My betas are tomorrow. TOMORROW. That means tomorrow I will know whether this worked. Whether, for the first time ever, I can say "I'm pregnant." I've NEVER been able to say that before. Ever.  And as much as I hope and pray for a positive result, then a whole new set of worries set in. Namely that I have a successful pregnancy. And then that the baby is healthy. And from there the list goes on. I had told myself that I was NOT going to test before my betas, because I didn't know how long the hcg would remain in my system, and I didn't want to worry about a false positive. BUT thanks to a lot of peer pressure, I caved. I tested yesterday and this morning. And the good news is that it wasn't negative. SO, all this means is that it's not a DEFINITE no.  Now I wait for betas, and wait to know if this is real.

I Hate Grocery Shopping

I would rather clean the bathroom than go grocery shopping.  Especially in the vast metropolis in which I live. Going grocery shopping now involves far too much strategy as compared to what it did in my previous suburban habitat.

First - the grocery store here runs out of carts.  Running out of carts means one thing - there are hundreds of individuals perusing the grocery aisles, either completely unaware of their surroundings so as to cause traffic jams, or moving at an aggressive pace that often results in cart-on-cart collisions or injuries to the achilles tendon.

A trip to the grocery store requires an assessment of other external factors so as to achieve optimal timing. 1) Is the football game still on?  2) What is the weather like? 3) Is it a traditional meal time? 4) Is it a holiday weekend?  Adding to the frustration is that often, the most optimal timing for a grocery excursion is around 7-8pm. However, this is also the time frame in which most people are parking their cars in the limited number of street parking spaces available within the neighborhood, so vacating a space to get to the grocery store may result in a substantially longer trek with weighty food stuffs upon return to said neighborhood.

In my fridge, there is currently a carton of milk, string cheese, and a bag of grapes that are too old to be eaten.  Yet here I sit, paralyzed by the dread the comes prior to any necessitated grocery store excursion. Wish me luck, friends. I've gotta take one for the team......

Is It Worth It, Can You Twerk It?

I don't care who you are or what you claim - every one of us gets just a little bit gleeful at the prospect of someone hitting the bricks. Something about watching the human body flail awkwardly before the moment of impact makes our faces light up in anticipation. Obviously, no one wants to witness someone get hurt, but for that split second before it actually registers that there is danger involved, watching someone fall is hilarious.(I'm not wrong here- don't argue).

Today I hit the mother lode in terms of amazing falls.

I have watched  this at least nine times. It doesn't get old. Hats off to YOU fair lady, for getting me through an otherwise monotonous work day.

In other news, I'm sure you've all been waiting with bated breath for my next update......or not. The last few weeks have been a dog and pony show of intense work projects, travel a vacation that wasn't really a vacation, and a couple of Dr.appointments. 

Most notably, the appointment where my eye doctor told me I need to switch to glasses 50% of the time. To be fair, I was also given this instruction a couple of years ago, but much like a stop sign, I treated it as optional. This time though, Dr.H laid the hammer down. So, $400 and a pair of Gucci specs later, I am officially an eyeglass wearing phenom. Or maybe I just wear glasses. 

Less notably (probably because I'm so used to it), I also had a good old date with the vag cam.  It feels like one of those relationships that you aren't entirely happy in, but you stay because it's comfortable. I don't really like feeling like the subject of voyeurism, but I've become so used to being pantsless in front of an audience, it just feels normal. In any case, turns out that my lining was perfect, but I was a few days away from being ready for the embryo transfer, so for now, our little Encino Man is safely chilling while I bide my time until my next  appointment, this Sunday. If I had to guess, I'd  bet on an embryo transfer early next week, which means I intend to imbibe somewhat heavily this weekend as an optimistic fare-thee-well to alcohol. 

Until next time....

Embryo Update

It's weird - I am not a phone person at all, but the last 2 days, I've been sitting waiting for my phone to ring like an awkward middle-schooler hoping to be asked to the dance. Obviously yesterday was like I got a call from one of the popular guys, in terms of excitement level. Today was no different. Today I found out that the 2 eggs that were fertilized yesterday have grown to 2 and 4 cell embies.  Of the 2 eggs that matured overnight and were inseminated, one was confirmed fertilized this morning, and the other was pending fertilization.  They are going to call me tomorrow with another status update. I freaking love status updates.

And Then There Were Four.....

So apparently good things come in fours as well..... today I got the call that I had been waiting for from the RE - they actually retrieved FOUR eggs. Two of them were mature, were inseminated yesterday, and fertilized! As of today, they were growing normally. I still can't even type those words without getting tears in my eyes. As for my other two eggs, well, so far they're champs too. They weren't mature yesterday when they were retrieved, but matured overnight, were inseminated this morning, and I should get a call tomorrow letting me know whether they fertilized and are growing.

As crazy as it sounds, I am constantly in awe of how completely blessed we have been along this journey.  I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone, the pain, both physical and emotional is gut-wrenching.  There are no words to describe it. And even though this isn't how we planned to start our family, I've learned so much. First, that I am so much stronger than I think. Just try telling me I can't do something now.  Second, my marriage has been tested on so many levels, and we're more in love now than we we've ever been. We're not going anywhere. Finally....Life isn't fair. But sometimes the injustice of it helps us grow in ways that ultimately will help us be the kind of people we hope to be.  I wish I could have learned some of these lessons an easier way, but those weren't the cards I was dealt, so now I can just try to accept where  we're at and take away the best that I can from it.

Today I have 2 embryos and tomorrow I may have 2 more. I am SO blessed. When I got the call at work, I broke down in happy tears. My colleague and his wife are also going through IF, and we have connected over the emotional challenges that accompany infertility. Had we not bumped into each other at the RE clinic, we would have never known, but I am so appreciative of the support we are able to offer each other, now that the cat's out of the bag. Today, after I got the call, he saw me in the hallway, and noticed that I was a little emotional. He asked if I was ok, and when I told him that I was just happy because I have 2 embryos, he actually got choked up for me. That's the kind of  support you can only hope for.   I am so SO blessed.

And Then There Were Three...

A lot of amazing things come in threes:

The Hanson brothers, for example.......

The contents of a BLT.....

Wise Men....

   Braids....

And apparently, my eggs. Today was the egg retrieval, and while yesterday I was hopeful that I had 6 good follicles with eggs, I learned that only 3 were retrieved.  This is still completely on par with what is expected  for Mini IVF cycles, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me nervous.  I was hoping to have enough that if any were abnormal, or didn't fertilize, that  I would still have plenty to transfer one and have a couple of frosties left over. That's still a possibility of that, but I didn't have the "cushion" I was hoping for.  Tomorrow I get my fert report, and I'm hoping and praying that I'll get good news that they all fertilized and are doing well. They said I can call anytime during the next week to see how they are doing, but they'll call me on Sunday  to let me know how many made it to freeze and what the status was prior to freeze. The 2WW has always  sucked, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this will be worse - it feels like the stakes are higher. 

If all goes well, I get to be completely med free for a few weeks before I go back and learn more about when my embryo transfer will be. If all goes well, I'll  be pregnant in September.

Egg Harvesting and the Bionic Baby?

The last week has been a blur of activity in preparation for my egg retrieval- it feels like things are moving so quickly. Last Sunday, I did my first Bravelle injection, and in the past week, I've done 4 more injections, 5 more doses of Clomid, 4 monitoring appointments, 3 doses of Syranel nasal spray, and am now preparing for my egg retrieval - TOMORROW!

I likely have 6 good eggs, which I am really thrilled about.  I hope that all of them are mature, and fertilize! Typically, with Mini IVF cycles, the egg retrieval protocol is to use Valium in addition to local anesthesia. Because I am terrified of pain, this is the thing that most worried  me about this entire process. Today, the nurse gave me the option of general anesthesia, which is commonplace in conventional IVF cycles, and because I have so many follicles, recommended in my case. It's expensive - $500, but given my fear and the  pain factor  the thought was appealing. Also, they pushed my retrieval back from 10:10am - 12:10pm to give the eggs a little extra bit to mature, which means that with DH's travel schedule, he won't be able to be there. All factors considered, I decided to do the  general anesthesia. Knock me out, I say!

DH and I have tried to keep a sense of humor about things. It's how we operate in daily life, and IF is no different. Yesterday when we were at the  RE there were a couple of women waiting to hear how their embryos were developing. One woman had been talking to the nurse and then came back to the  other. "Welp, 6 of 'em bit the dust right away, but the rest are hanging in there." LOL. Maybe it sounds  crass, but honestly, I appreciate folks that find things to laugh about in all of this. DH and I got to talking and joking about everything. We aren't going to call our baby our little bean or anything similar. We will probably call it our little automaton. Maybe the middle name will be Petri. We can tell people that DH was out of the country when our baby was conceived and let them think about that one....

I'm nervous. I'm exhausted. I'm ready to get this show on the road. 

Mini IVF Protocol Update

Let's kick things off with the obligatory meds shot:

This is the whole shebang, minus the prescription prenatals that my RE prescribed. Chewables, nonetheless!  With a Mini IVF protocol, there are significantly fewer meds, which honestly, was a big part of the appeal for me.

5 days ago, I started Clomid.  While normally, Clomid is given in 5 day stretches, in my case, I'll be doing at least 10 days. Last night, I added in a Bravelle injection, just for funsies - Actually it was absolutely terrible. I had given myself Ovidrel injections before, which were a piece of cake.  They come in a pre-mixed syringe with a teeny tiny needle. While the anticipation of poking myself with a sharp object was never fun, the actual act was a cinch.

With the Bravelle, things were a bit more complicated. First of all, there's mixing involved.  I had to insert the syringe into the diluent and draw it up, and then insert the diluent into the powdered medication and mix.  Then, I needed to draw up the mixed solution, and inject myself. I followed the same process for injecting as with the Ovidrel, but what I didn't realize is  that this needle was a thicker gauge, and instead of sliding it in, there is a certain technique involved, which requires using a quick, dart-like motion to insert the needle. Being ignorant to this technique, I tried to slide the needle in...and it wouldn't go, so here I am, trying to slowly jam the needle in until I finally press so hard that it punctures the skin.....and that's when I started to pass out....

After resting my head on the counter long enough to push the medication in, I made it to the floor where I put my head between my knees until I was confident that I could stand up. I was home alone, so in the back of my mind, I kept imagining someone walking in and finding what looked like a crime scene, with me passed out on the ground, shirt half off, and a needle jammed into me. 

Today was a monitoring appointment with the RE, and as it's still really early in my cycle, the follicles were still small, but everything looked good. Finally, this evening, I got a call telling me what to do for meds going forward and when to come in next.  I was none too pleased when they told me I would need to add Bravelle every day for the next 5 days on top of the Clomid. In fact, I think I did this....

Really, I know I am incredibly lucky that I'm not having to do the 3+ shots per day that come with conventional IVF, but this is still something that takes some getting used to.

This evening was try #2 at the Bravelle.  This time, I had a game plan.  I was going to ice the area, lie down, turn on some ass-kicking music, and incorporate the dart technique. With David Guetta playing in the background, and a fluffy down comforter beneath me, I administered my 2nd shot. Aside from a little snafu that required me to reinsert the needle, it went much smoother this time.  The injection site from both injections hurts pretty bad - kind of like I did a bunch of sit ups, or have bruises, but luckily, Ryan Gosling's ok with how I plan to roll.....

Wish me luck for the remainder of the week!  I go in on Friday for another monitoring appointment, so we'll see how things stand, and hopefully I'll have a better idea of when my ER will be!  Till next time....

Things That Make Me Happy....

In this crazy world of IF, (and now IVF), there are a lot of things that consume my thoughts and make me crazy. Blood draws, RE appointments, meds, ultrasounds, money....sometimes it's really the simple and little things that I need to focus on to find happiness in every day.  Back in my hometown newspaper, there was a section called "Simple Pleasures."  People could write in and share their simple pleasures in life.  Here are some of mine, but I hope you add some of your own too....

Bacon.......bacon can make ANY bad day better. I have a love affair with bacon.

Argo Tea is delicious.  There is a store right by me RE's office, so it's my treat to myself whenever I go in. The Earl Grey Vanilla Creme = heaven. 

My Kindle Fire.  Ok, not necessarily my Kindle Fire itself, but the books on it. I love reading so much - for me, it's a little escape from reality - and I love it.  

Fun socks.  Ok, this is probably more of a fall and winter simple pleasure, but the fact of the matter is that I can be dressed in a nice suit for work, and wearing funky socks and it's sort of a reminder to not take anything too seriously.

But when push comes to shove, sometimes I just need an Angry Orchard. ;)

And some gangta rap.....

Life Goes On.......

Drumroll Please......

The winner is.....Mini IVF!! I had pretty mixed feelings about both of the different treatment arms, but overall, am really thrilled that this is the route we are going.  My primary fears with conventional IVF were the multitude of shots and the amount of drugs that I would be pumping into my system.  That said, I also appreciated the long history of success with conventional IVF, and the  fact that I would have had a fresh transfer, likely more embryos to freeze, and two transferred. Mini IVF is a different ballgame. While it is relatively new in terms of treatment, the clinic and Dr's I am working with have really pioneered  this technology, so I feel that I am in excellent hands.

The appointment:
Last Tuesday I went in to the clinic at 8:00 am to turn over all of my screening results and medical records from my previous clinic. I also had a blood draw, ultrasound and pap. Dr.Z, the RE who has spent his career researching and perfecting Mini IVF, and who is running the study, is the Dr.who completed  my exam. He was so friendly and made me feel so comfortable, which put my mind at ease going into the randomization.  After all that was done, I went to work and tried to get stuff done for several hours until I was supposed to go back in the afternoon to find out what study arm I would be participating in. Let me tell you - shit wasn't gettin' done. It was a weird situation in which I felt like I was at that stage of drunkenness where I was slap- happy, but sure that serious trouble was right around the corner. Is that just me?

In any case, I went back in the afternoon, and the research coordinator pulled a numbered envelope out of a locked file cabinet, and ceremoniously waved it in the air before slicing it open and pulling out my fate. After learning about my treatment, the research coordinator got me all of my prescriptions for my meds and sent me on my way.

The treatment:
Starting that day, I began birth control pills (which seems hilariously counter-intuitive). I will be taking Generess for 14 days total, and 2 days after my last pill (July 31st), I will go in for another exam and begin  Clomid for 14 days, with the addition of 1-3 Follitism injections.  Beginning at day 10 of my cycle, I will have daily ultrasounds to monitor my follicles and best determine how to time the egg retrieval. When all looks good, I will use Syranel (nasal spray) to induce ovulation, and then will go in with DH to collect a semen sample, and retrieve the eggs. They said this should be around mid-August. Typically with Mini IVF, there are 5-7 eggs retrieved, but the hypothesis is that they are typically of an excellent quality.(Fingers crossed!)

After the eggs are retrieved the embryologist will use ICSI to fertilize each egg with an individual sperm, and the following day, I should get a call letting me know how many eggs were retrieved, and how many were fertilized. They'll then watch the embryos for 5 days to see how they develop and will freeze them on day 5.  After that....I wait. For a whole.stinking.month. Then again, after 32 months, I am pretty sure I can handle it. Once my cycle starts, I'll go in around CD19 for a single embryo transfer. Dr.Z said that he's going to do everything he can to have me pregnant by the end of September!

How I'm Feeling:
Super excited, hopeful and nervous. This 2 week period of  taking BCP's is about as exciting as watching paint dry, but it's the first phase of the process, which is amazing. I haven't been on BCP  since 2009 so I wasn't really sure what to expect for side effects, but essentially the only one I've experienced so far is that my boobs are tender and somehow, gigantic.  I am literally spilling out of my bras and have taken to wearing sports bras  as often as possible.  DH isn't complaining though, so I'll take it. ;)  As  a part of the study I have  to do a  survey every day to note any side effects I am experiencing, and a much longer survey once a week to discuss my physical and emotional condition surrounding treatments. If big tits and feeling like a kid before Christmas is all I have to complain about I think that I am pretty lucky. :)

A Visit From The Good-News Fairy

For real,  I don't know what to do with good news. It's been such a novelty over the last year!  Today I found out that with the IVF clinical study I am participating in, that they will only include one egg retrieval, but up to SIX embryo transfers if the first is not successful. Come again?!  I really really hope we don't need it, but dang it feels  good to have a little bit of a back up plan!

I am only 2 days away from the appointment in which I find out what study arm we are in, and I am trying really hard, but fairly unsuccessfully to keep myself distracted. I worked all weekend, which normally would irritate me, but in this case, I loved it because I had a solid 2 days in which I had to divert my focus towards other things. Tomorrow I am working from home, and also plan to do as much of the last-minute wrap up before Tuesday's appointment as possible.  We are still waiting on the results of my genetic testing as well as both me and my husband's infectious disease blood panels so that I can bring them to the new clinic, and I also have to complete a pre-treatment survey with a research coordinator regarding the stress of infertility and treatments. Stress? What stress??? ::insert maniacal laughter::: Ok, but really.....

And also, this.....

Because come Tuesday, this will be me:

I'm On a Boat.....

Ahoy Mateys. It's been awhile, but I've been busy doing things.....like this.........

And also, kinda like this........

That's right biatches, I've been sailing, on a boat.  As a Pisces, this is essentially a best case scenario.  I love the water. But I can't really swim, and I'm too poor to own anything other than a canoe, so if given the chance, you can bet your bottom dollar I will get my ass on a boat.  In this case, a Presidential Yacht, no big deal.  

Through my work, we were given the opportunity to sail aboard a yacht that served 5 sitting US Presidents, including Truman, Eisenhower, Johnson, and Nixon, but most notably, President Kennedy, who spent a lot of time with his family aboard said yacht.  Yet somehow this broad cruised on it as well.....and will again this weekend!  Seriously, I do not lead a charmed life, but this is pretty epic.

In any case, all the boating has kept my mind occupied a bit, and conveniently OFF the fact that I am T minus 5 days from finding out which study arm I will be in for my IVF study. Say WHAT?  Time flies.  In the past couple of weeks, I have been getting my genetic testing done, getting some additional blood work done, transferring my medical records and my husband's medical records, and trying to prepare for this gigantic leap into the wild and crazy world of IVF.

If I am being honest with myself, there is only one thing that is truly terrifying me at this point, and that is intramuscular injections. The thought of jamming a needle into a major muscle group nearly makes me double over in a fit of hyperventilation and/or vomiting. I have not yet  come to terms with the fact that this may (neigh, WILL) be my reality. Aside from that however, I am just anxious to get this show on the road. 

Aside from being anxious to begin treatments, I am also officially the last man standing. Today I found out that my sister, who has also been struggling with infertility, got her BFP after her second IUI cycle w/injectibles.  I am so thrilled for her, as we started trying at nearly the same time, and I know what a long road it's been.  With absolutely zero insurance coverage, this was their Hail Mary, so I am very grateful that it worked. Her betas were really high so they aren't even going to re-test, just send her in for an ultrasound in 2 weeks. As a status update, my older sister has an 8 year old son, my youngest sister has a 2 year old son and is pregnant and due in December, and now my middle sister is pregnant and due in March. Me, welp, I'm still barren. I am the only one out of my siblings who swept right through her 20's without getting pregnant and  now sits firmly in my 30's still praying for a baby.  I am legitimately happy for my sister's BFP, but damn if I'm not selfish enough to wish that I had the same thing going for me.

5 days.

Then I'm on my way......

BOOM! Imma make August my biatch.

A few days ago, when AF showed up with all of her usual fanfare and I realized that IUI #4 didn't work, it was like a punch in the gut. Since we can't afford IVF, our Hail Mary was a chance at an IVF clinical study, and when the IUI failed, we knew that getting  into the study was our only chance of moving on with treatment. We had already been pre-screened for the study, but had an appointment today to determine whether we would be accepted.

WE GOT IN!  I am still in shock and can barely wrap my head around it. This study is essentially to prove the effectiveness of minimal stimulation IVF (Mini IVF) in comparison to conventional IVF.  The idea is that while the effectiveness of conventional IVF is not really up for debate, minimal stimulation IVF, which sort of goes against conventional IVF treatments is equally as effective.  It's sort of an issue of quantity vs. quality.  the hypothesis is that while there are more eggs produced in conventional IVF, thus creating more potential embryos, that with mini IVF, there are fewer, but higher quality embryos produced resulting in similar outcomes with less medication.

Because this is a clinical study, I don't get to decide which treatment I do. In a couple of weeks, I will be randomly sorted into a study arm. At that point I will know whether I will be undergoing conventional or mini IVF treatment. As part of the study, the IVF will be covered at 100%. My only cost will be medications. Yes, you read that correctly. IVF. For almost free. Coming full circle to my reason for being in shock.  I honestly can't believe that we have been given this amazing opportunity. In addition to agreeing to participate in either  treatment arm, I also need to complete a daily and weekly log outlining  my emotional and physical reactions to the treatment as well as continue to report back for a period of time so that if I do end up pregnant, they can track the live birth rate.

For the first time in awhile I feel enthusiastically hopeful. Come August, I have a real shot at finally becoming a mom. I can hardly  believe it!

What NOT to Say...

Posts like this are up all over the place about infertility - and I mostly agree with all of them. There is stuff you just DON'T say to someone with Infertility.  Kind of like you don't ask a woman how much she weighs, if she is pregnant, how old she is, etc. You also don't ask someone with a disabled child "what's wrong with them?" Or, with an adopted child, "Do you know who the real parents are?" Unfortunately, common sense in terms of appropriate interrogation is not that common after all. Additionally, I think that while generally people mean no harm, their ignorance can be really harmful. I wanted to take a different angle on this though....

My sister is adopted. She is a different race than me. When we were kids, we would dress up in matching outfits and say, "Look mom and dad -we're twins!" As far as we were concerned, we were just as much sisters as anyone else born into the same family biologically. It wasn't until years later when someone said to me, "You only have two real sisters though, right?" when I realized that maybe people didn't see my family the same way I did. It was like a punch to the gut. I quickly responded, "No, I have three REAL sisters, but if you mean biological, one of my sisters is adopted. She's still real, and she's still my sister." I felt a fierce need to defend my sister's place in our family.

Years later, as we are struggling with infertility and exploring the options that are available to us, I can't help but consider these things. There is a chance that we will have a biological child of our own, either naturally (slim chance), or with the help of ART. But, we have also always talked about adopting, and have very recently discussed embryo adoption in addition to traditional adoption. The point is, that I realized that the question of  "Where do babies come from?"  is no longer a simple one. Families are built in so many different ways. Odds are, my family will not be formed in the way that most people consider "normal." Thus, I will need to consider those pesky questions that will come down the road - in addition to the annoying questions and "helpful" advice that I already get.

Summer Hours & Whatnot

My work has this thing called "summer hours." Yep, it's what it sounds like, in the summer, we get off 3 hours early on Fridays. It is pretty spectacular, and the closer we get to June, the more antsy people get for that extra few hours leading into the weekend.  The last two weeks 2/3's of the staff headed directly to our favorite bar across the street for post-work drinks. Needless to say, it isn't too busy at 3pm on a Friday,which makes for a damn good happy hour. I love summer hours. I love happy hours. I love spending time with my colleagues outside of work. (They are pretty awesome). BUT IUI #4 is on Thursday, and I would gladly sacrifice the  remainder of my summer hour happy hours if this one works.

Today I triggered, and despite being no stranger to giving myself shots, this one was a mess. First of all, it's SYTYCD day, which means that my attention is diverted. I can only function during commercial breaks. As a result, I was an hour late administering my shot. Then, when I went to squeeze the air bubble out of the syringe, I ended up squirting out a short stream of meds. WHOOPS! As I squeezed my stomach fat trying to get a good angle for the syringe, I heard the SYTYCD music come on, indicating that the commercial break was over. I stabbed myself with the needle. GRRR! Bleeding from my stab wound, I had to re-angle the needle and appropriately administer the shot. Thankfully, a crisis was averted because I made it back in time to see the contemporary round. Boom!

A lot is riding on this IUI. If this doesn't work, we are moving on to an IVF consultation. This is like our hail mary - our IUI swan song. I really fricking want this to work. BUT, I am also mentally preparing for if it doesn't.  I feel like I am at a place where if it doesn't, I will be ok.  We aren't at the end of the road yet. There is still hope.  And as time goes on, I feel like I am closer to believing that no matter what happens ultimately, I can be happy.  Prior to infertility, I had never considered a life in which I wasn't a mother. Kids were always a part of the picture. Having to consider the possibility that they may not be was a challenge for me.  I am not at peace with it yet - I haven't accepted it. But I can look ahead down the line and start to believe that even if we live our lives as a family of two, I can be whole in that.

Crunching Numbers

I don't know what made me do it.....I think it had something to do with looking back on Fertility Friend and realizing that I had 34 charts under my current account, and knowing that I had about 22 on a previous account, and I thought to myself, "holy crap - we've been at this awhile!"  I started thinking, "I wonder how many Dr. appointments, blood draws ultrasounds etc. that it's been?"

To be clear, I am just on my 29th month (24th cycle) of TTC. Prior to that, I was off BCP and charting for about 2 years - not using birth control, but using the good 'ol pull n' pray method. (On the off chance that there are any teenagers reading this - that method DOES NOT work! It worked for us because we're infertile.)  The  good news of that is that I had almost 24 months of charting under my belt, with consistent ovulation, so that when we finally started  bangin' for the purpose of baby-making in February of 2011, I was pretty confident it would happen. HA! Not so much.

It's been 29 months, 22 Dr.'s visits, 16 vials of blood, 11 ultrasounds. When we started TTC, Natalie Portman was winning an Oscar for Black Swan.   Born This Way was Lady Gaga's new single. There were riots and protests in Egypt, Libya and Bahrain. Charlie Sheen shot his famous "Tiger Blood" interview. Katy Perry and Russell Brand were still married. Crystal Harris was engaged to Hugh Hefner - the FIRST time.
I was living in a different state, in a different house, with a different job. I was 20 pounds thinner. And I was 100% confident that within the next year, (but probably less), I would become  pregnant, and we would start our family.

Now, I am about 50% confident that I will get pregnant - 75% on a good day. And 100% confident that if I do, it's going to take more Dr.'s visits, more vials of blood, more ultrasounds, more meds, and more money to do so. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Was this the way I was thinking, expecting or hoping it would happen? Absolutely not. I'm starting to look at family in a different way. Starting to realize that I already HAVE a family - it just doesn't include children.  Maybe someday it will - maybe it won't. I've got to learn to accept either outcome.

NAIW (Late Publish - Sorry Folks!)

Wow. It's been awhile. It's been one hell of a month.


This week was National  Infertility Awareness Week, which meant a whole lot to me this year.  Last year, I was diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility the week after NAIW. Here I am 365 days later and still dealing with the struggles of infertility. 

This month was supposed to be IUI #3. Long story, but we had to switch to TI, and although I have not moved onto my next cycle officially yet, I am two negative pregnancy tests deep, so I think it is pretty safe to say that I can count on another IUI cycle in the coming days.

This month, I had a meeting with my RE to talk about next steps and what to do if this cycle didn't work. At the time, I was still thinking we would be doing IUI, but this was still my 4th Clomid cycle, and since the RE likes to do things in 3's, he felt like we should switch meds if this cycle didn't work. SO, whenever AF shows up, I will be doing IUI #3.5 with Letrazole.  RE suggested 2 IUI cycles w/Letrazole before moving on to IVF. I am crossing everything that we don't get to that point!

In any case, when NAIW showed up this year, I went back and forth a ton about whether to "come out" about our IF.  I decided to order a necklace as a subtle acknowledgement of our IF,(Ignore the fluffy towel background) but I wasn't sold on doing anything more.

 

However, after talking with some of the ladies on my message board, I worked up the courage to go a little bit more public with our IF. I posted some facts about NAIW on Facebook, and admitted that we are struggling.  While I was nervous about what the response would be I was overwhelmed by the encouragement I received. A few people even emailed me to come out  about their own infertility struggles and thank me for posting.  While I am still expecting an occasional stupid comment, I am glad that I put things out there.  Bit by bit I am feeling a little more free.

 

 

After all of the support, I was feeling as though I was in a pretty good place with things.  Then I got a call that made me realize all over again what a rollercoaster of emotions this is.  My baby sister is pregnant with baby #2.  We started TTC before she had her first.  This baby took her 3 months to conceive, (the 1st was a happy surprise) and while I would never ever wish this struggle on anyone, I sure as shit wish it could be that easy for me.  I'm happy for her, but then I feel incredibly guilty that I had the urge to cry about how unfair it is that I can't be so lucky. It's an awful feeling.

 

Today I tried to relax and soak in the beautiful weather. I had the day off of work, the sun was shining, and I tried to make a conscious effort to do something to be good to myself. I made a nice dinner, I went to a movie, I sat out on my fire escape and read.  I spend SO much time being down on myself, but I feel like I need to spend more time being good to myself.  Hopefully I can get to that place.



Things I Do At 32

Sheesh, I have been shittacular at updating.  And I have no really good reason, other than the fact that I have been hooked on Candy Crush Saga and Best Ink, and can't seem to inspire myself to conjure up something worthwhile to talk about that doesn't involve my vagina or the ridiculous amount of Dr. visits that seem to fill my time.  I finally have a few things to talk about. 

The last couple of weeks have been interesting for me. I took a week off of work, for no other reason than the fact that work was making me want to fake my own death and never return.  Don't worry though, I am over it. I just really really needed a break.  I decided to head home and visit family for 5 days. The visit itself was pretty good overall.  The most noteworthy things that occurred:

1)  Following my tiptoe into the world of being blonde, at the recommendation of my stylist, Leo, I decided to let my sister (also a cosmetologist) lighten my hair even more.....and add some subtle hot pink extensions.  I am sure you are wondering how hot pink extensions can be "subtle", but I had them added in the under layers of my hair so that they can be hidden a bit, but also brought out a bit more. I love them. It feels fun, and a little bit sassy, but still not too cray-cray.

2)  I got motion sickness and projectile vomited on the airplane on the way home.  Hands down, the most humiliating moment of my life.  Nothing more to say about that one.

3) I have shamelessly been taking in the beautiful weather this past week. One of the things that I love about my job is the camaraderie between my co-workers.  Friday, we took full advantage of the 70 degrees and sun.  We all packed up our laptops and went to the park where we spent the day working, and sharing a picnic. When we got back to the office, we wrapped up and enjoyed some brews before heading home for the weekend. Aside from the obvious awesome here, it was made better by the fact that my co-workers legitimately kick ass. 

The weekend is over, and tomorrow I head back to reality.  I have another ultrasound tomorrow morning, after my last ultrasound showed that I had no mature follicles. I was disappointed, but not surprised. With a natural cycle IUI and normal ovulation around CD17 or 18, an ultrasound on CD12 was pretty much just for the fun of not going too long between dildo-cam exams.  That said, I am hoping that tomorrow nets some more positive results.

Stay Classy, everyone. Catch you on the flip.

Round 3 With the Vag Cam

You know you've had too many appointments with the vag cam, when you make sure your personal grooming coincides with the next time someone will be all up in your hoo-ha. In the last 3 months, I have had no less than 12 sets of eyes on my vagina between the RE's and nurses doing my exams.  That's a lot of fucking pressure to make sure that everything is in order!

Today was my monitoring appointment for IUI #3, and also my chance to talk to the Dr. about what to do now, if things don't work out.  I was a little bit disappointed with where things are at this cycle.  Thus far, I have one 19mm follicle, and 5 follies under 10mm, with my lining only at a 5.5.  I am supposed to use OPK's to see if I surge on my own (I should), and if not, do the Ovridrel injection on Friday for IUI on Saturday. I am trying to think really positively about things and believe that this could be it - that 3 weeks from now I could actually be pregnant. Unfortunately I find my head more frequently wandering to the other scenario, in which three weeks from now, I am meeting with my RE to talk about WTF to do next.

I have two applications sitting around for some programs that would help cover the cost of IVF, and one chance to possibly join a clinical trial that would cover the full cost of one IVF cycle, minus medications and genetic testing. I really, really don't want to get to that point, but then again, I never wanted to be here, 3 IUI's deep either. Bottom line - it isn't fair, and I just need to get used to it.

Give Me Just a Reason

Last week, I discovered this song. I cannot stop listening to it. Damn, if I haven't been there before.

 

As a Pisces through and through, music, dance, art, etc. is life-changing for me. It is so reflective of everything that I am thinking and feeling and expresses more than I feel capable of.  I cannot wait for this season of SYTYCD. If you are not a fan of the show, you are wrong. It is SO freaking good. I am priming for this season by watching a few of my favorite routines from past seasons.

 

This one is probably my all time favorite.

 

Followed by this one:

 

Literally, my blog serves no purpose today other than to rock your world with these amazing musical and dance stylings. Enjoy!!

 

 



IF Fricking Sucks

Yeah, yeah - we're back to that again. I definitely didn't think that so much of my 32nd year would be spent with vag cams, getting poked and prodded, and having so much blood drawn that my elbow-pits are bruised - but that is my life.

I was optimistic last cycle - like, genuinely felt good that things finally worked for us. I made it until 14dpiui, went in for my betas, and right before I got the awesome phone message telling me "You're not pregnant", AF showed up. For some reason this time was more of a punch to the gut than previous cycles. That was month 25. More than two years of this crap. It is exhausting. Physically and emotionally. I don't know how much more I have left in me. The thing is - what other choice do I have??  If I ever want to be a mother, I need to keep going. Quitting isn't an option, as much as I want to quit. I can't give up.

Today as I went to the RE for the start of my 3rd IUI cycle it was with only a fraction of the optimism I've had in the past. It was hard to not cry, sitting in that office, wondering if this would ever be over - if I would ever get my happy ending.  I was standing in line at the pharmacy with a box of tampons, midol, and my prescription for Clomid, and of course standing right in front of a very pregnant woman, and literally, for the first time, it sort of sucked.

I just need to find some strength. Because right now, I don't have enough.

#EndTheVABacklog

I am absolutely exhausted, but am home after spending a taxing, but inspiring week advocating for veterans on The Hill.

In case you don't know, March 19th marked the 10th anniversary of the start of the Iraq war. There are still 60,000-ish troops in Afghanistan, and more than 2.6 million Americans  have now deployed in support of Operation Eduring Freedom, Operation Iraqi Freedom, and Operation New Dawn.

Unfortunately, we don't always do the best job at taking care of these men and women when they come home.  Currently over 900,000 claims are pending at the VA, and it is anticipated that by the end of the month, that number will exceed 1,000,000. Of those claims, nearly 700,000 are backlogged, meaning they have been pending for over 125 days. This is unacceptable. In fact, the average wait time right now is more than 273 days, and in many major cities, like NYC and LA, the wait time is more than 600 days.  This is just for initial claims to be processed! Appeals often take even longer. 97% of all claims are still on paper. Yes, in 2013. In fact, some VA facilities have actually had to close due to the weight of the claims threatening the structural integrity of the buildings. This is what the VA backlog means to many vets. http://sth2013.tumblr.com/

I won't often ask things of you, but if you would please consider signing this petition, asking the President to step in and form a Presidential Commission to bring the best minds in the coutry together and create a plan to end the backlog, it would mean the world to so many veterans.  If you wouldn't mind signing, and sharing, please visit the following site: http://iava.org/sth2013

Thank you for caring, and for demanding better care for our veterans!

Swamped

I have been absolutely freaking swamped. This week, I have not left work prior to 8pm, and have been dog tired by the time I get home. We are gearing up for our biggest event of the year at work, and on Sunday I leave for a full week to participate as the point person for one nationwide component of this project. Yikes!  Super excited, a little nervous, and moderately overwhelmed.

I am several days late updating on my last RE appointment, but because I haven't really talked to anyone about it, you are getting the full update. (Yay for you).

This cycle I did 100mg of Clomid from days 3-7, and went in for my monitoring appointment on Wednesday, which was CD10. I was hoping for better progress than what I got, especially since I am leaving town on Sunday, and wanted to be sure to get the IUI in before I left.  Unfortunately, on Wednesday, my lining was only at a 6.5 (last cycle it was at 9), and while I had 5 follicles, they were measuring smaller than last cycle. I had a 12mm on the right, and a 16, 12, and two 11mm on the left.  As I understand it, follies usually grow about 2mm in 24-36 hours, and they like to see them at around 18mm or better before the IUI. I have been hoping like crazy that those bad boys grew like crazy and that I will have a few good targets.

New this cycle was the introduction of a trigger shot. Me and shots don't mix. At all.  I hate getting my blood drawn, I hate the finger prick and I really really hate shots. However, in order to time things properly and get this shiz done before my work trip, it was a necessary evil.  It wasn't nearly as bad as I had psyched myself out that it would be, and now I am all geared up to go in for my IUI tomorrow.

I will be wearing my St.Jude medallion, my rose quartz bracelet and will be begging prayers, positive thoughts, and well-wishes from family, friends and strangers alike. 26 months in and I am ready for something to work!

I am assuming the next week will be insane, and I don't know if I will be able to check in, but hopefully I will have some really awesome news to report in a couple of weeks!

American Horror Story, Candy Crush & Angry Birds Star Wars Edition

I promised myself I would keep busy this 2WW so that I wouldn't overanalyze every phantom symptom while I waited to find out whether this IUI worked or not. Enter American Horror Story, Candy Crush, and Angry Birds Star Wars Edition.

First of all, I don't know whether to slap or hug the person or people who told me to watch American Horror Story.  I can't stop watching, yet every episode is so disturbing that I fear I will never sleep again. I am halfway through season 1 and have never wanted something to simultaneously end and continue at the same time. If you haven't seen it, I'm not going to tell you to watch it, but I'm also not going to tell you not to....

I think it goes without saying that Candy Crush is one of the most addictive games ever invented. I am currently stuck on level 23, and the amount of frustration I have at being unable to pass that level surpasses the level of frustration associated with being stuck in rush hour traffic.

Lastly, those damn pigs in Angry Birds are now dressed as Storm Troopers and laughing Darth Vaders. It is maddening! I finally made it off of Tattooine, but cannotfor the life of me make it off the Death Star!

It's a good thing that I have had some activities to keep my mind occupied, because unfortunately this IUI cycle didn't work. I wasn't expecting much, but I was still trying to remain optimistic and have hope.  I don't really know how to have a lot of hope after 25 months and 20 cycles  though.  I wish I could say that I went into it feeling good that it would work out- I didn't.  Call me cynical, and maybe I am, I just have a hard time convincing myself to have hope when I have spent the last 25 months training myself how to not be disappointed.

In any case, we are trying it again.I started Clomid again tonight, and based on my excellent response last month, we are doing 100mg. again. I go back in next Wednesday for my monitoring appointment, and plan on asking for a trigger this cycle with the hopes of boosting our chances. Between now and then however, I am going to try and convince myself to hope.

Officially 32

Yep. It's the real thing. The big 3-2. I don't know how I am supposed to feel, but I don't really feel anything, other than an incredibly deep desire to eat Funfetti cake. I have decided that if only 2 things happen today in honor of my birthday, it will be me consuming as much Funfetti cake as my body can handle without going into shock, and me shamelessly wearing sweatpants in public. Why? Because I can.

Yesterday my team at work took me out for a delicious lunch, and though simple, it was seriously like the sweetest gesture ever. I love my team and they took me to my favorite restaurant.  Nothing better than a juicy burger to celebrate your aging and the gradual decline of your body. After work, almost the whole office met up for a drink at our favorite post-work bar hangout. It meant a lot to me that everyone came out to celebrate. Did I mention, I seriously have the best work-friends ever?? Finally, DH and I capped off the evening with a hat-tip to National Margarita day when we met up with friends for pitchers of margaritas and spicy chicken nachos at 5 Burros. Like that play on words?  It was awesome, and though I am contemplating the wisdom of consuming a 1/2 pitcher of margaritas, I certainly don't regret an evening of fun and frivolity on the eve of my 32nd birthday.

Yesterday one of my co-workers asked me what the best part of the last year was for me......and if I can be totally honest, last year was a shit year. But I found that for some reason I wasn't dwelling on it as much as I have in the past. I found myself more in the mindset of  "it is what it is" and instead thinking of what was happening in that moment, and the fact that I had acquired so many great friends, was eating one of the most delicious brownies known to man, was listening to laughter all around me, and realizing that I have a whole hell of a lot to be thankful for and to look forward to.  So on that note.....we'll see what I do at 32!?!

I've Been Inseminated!

Really, I did not intend for this blog to be solely about my infertility, but since that is kind of my thing right now, that is what you get to hear about. This IUI cycle went down a lot more stressfully than I anticipated, and while I am still very hopeful, I am not expecting much. I am just too nervous about the variables.

After my monitoring appointment on Friday, I thought for sure I would surge soon because of my follie sizes. After no surge on Friday night, or Saturday, we kind of just said fuck it. Literally. And I apologize for being crass. I didn't know if I had perhaps missed my surge or if it was still coming and without a trigger, I didn't know what to do.  After another negative OPK yesterday morning, we BD'ed again figuring that the earliest we would be in for the IUI would be Tuesday.  This morning, however, I woke up with a glaringly positive OPK. Shoot. Originally, the RE told me to test in the evenings and come in the morning after a positive, but I didn't know what to do since I took this in the morning....come in today, or wait another 24 hours.  I called the nurses line and told them the situation and they told me to come in today. Double shoot. Not more than 30 hours since we last BD'ed. :(  Not optimal timing at all, but didn't know if waiting another 24 hours would make us miss it.

We made it in, and the lack of down time between bangin' and the IUI definitely showed in the numbers.  Despite the fact that DH's SA showed more than 120 million sperm, we only got about 5 million post-wash with this IUI.  I am really, really disappointed with that.  I wasn't too concerned at first because the RE seemed ok with it, but damn Google is showing likelihood of success at much higher numbers so now I feel discouraged. The RE told us to BD tonight and again tomorrow, so hopefully that will up our odds.

I think I was just expecting to feel way better about things once this was done, but turns out, I don't feel any more optimistic than I have any other cycle. So now, here I sit, a freaking basketcase to the likes of which I haven't experienced in a really really long time. I need to keep busy this week so I don't lose my mind. Obviously, worst case scenario, we just do it again next cycle - no harm, no foul, but dang, I am sick of TTC.

Right Around the Corner....

My 32nd birthday is right around the corner, and this week, I plan on celebrating with as many people up in my vajay as possible! Woot!

Friday, after a week of traveling, and only minimal Clomid-induced hot-flashes, I was looking forward (albeit anxiously) to my monitoring appointment with my RE. For the record, a monitoring appointment involves a dildo-cam and no less than 2 people looking at my lady-bits.  In any case, it went pretty darn well. The RE on duty was really impressed with how I had responded to the Clomid. My lining was measuring 8.9, which means nothing to me, but the doc didn't seem concerned. I also had 4 follicles, 3 of which looked amazing! I had 2 on the left, measuring14mm and 21mm and 2 on the right measuring 19mm and 24mm. They like to see follies measuring 18mm or better.

I was sent home with instructions to take ovulation tests twice a day until I noticed a surge, and come in the morning following the surge.  Based on darkening tests, I am hoping that perhaps tomorrow will be the day! Nothing says "Happy Birthday" like a catheter through your cervix and your husband's spooge in a cup! I am so excited!

Deep Clean

I am kind of a clean freak. No, actually, it drives me crazy when my apartment is a mess. Unfortunately, I don't have the funds to hire someone to clean, my husband doesn't care, and after working 45 or so hours a week, I am less than inspired to do much more than read a book and relax, so more often than not I bite my tongue and look the other way instead of acknowledging the mess that is my house.

Problem #1 is the fact that my dog emits a near-constant stream of loose fur. He's like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. I need someone to explain the biology behind the fact that my dog hasn't developed any bald spots, yet in a week I can collect enough fur with the vacuum to reconstruct another dog.

Problem #2 is the magnetic pull of the countertop next to the sink.  It's amazing to me. The sink can be empty, as well as the dishwasher, but somehow my husband's dishes miraculously end up next to the empty sink after every meal. I don't understand the aversion to the sink or dishwasher. It is almost as though cleaning vessels repel his dishes.

Problem #3 is the random sock distribution. When my husband or I get home for the day, my dog has this thing about parading around a shoe or a sock. I don't understand it, but it happens without fail. It is his thing. Unfortunately, my husband has a thing about taking off socks and not putting them in the hamper. The combination of these two habits mean that at any given time there are 7-9 individual socks scattered about.

Problem #4 is the aversion to like-item groupings. Some might say I am OCD. Really, I just watched a lot of Sesame Street..."One of these things is not like the other.....," you get the idea. Why, oh why would one feel inclined to put a bowl in a cabinet that is clearly designated for glasses? And why is mail in my silverware drawer? I'll tell you why- DH didn't watch Sesame Street and now he is fucked.

Last week, I deep cleaned my house. Like, up to my elbows in bleach, with a toothbrush, scouring grout in the shower. Emptying out all of the cabinets, scrubbing them, and re-organizing the spices by category. Vacuuming a German-Shepherds-worth of fur from the floor. Today, I realize that all of my efforts have not negated the existance of Problems #1-4. I am sitting in sweatpants not doing a damn thing about it. And at the moment, I don't care.

What if It Doesn't Work? What if it Does?

 

 

I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I mean, I didn't literally want to be a mom when I was 17, but I knew that someday I wanted children. When I got married 5 1/2 years ago, I definitely didn't think that I would be here at this moment in time, without any kids.

 

I'm not bitter. It is what it is. I've been to dark places along this Infertility journey, but as crazy as it sounds, I've been able to find some silver linings.  My marriage is in a fantastic place. I have found a career that I absolutely love. I have had amazing times with friends. Infertility isn't crushing me. I am living with it, and I am so thankful for that.  That said, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

 

Now here we are, at the beginning of our 1st IUI cycle and my emotions are crazy. For the last two years, every cycle I have spent thinking "What if this doesn't work?" and now I am in this weird place where I am thinking "What if this does work?"  I don't know how to explain it. I think I have gotten so used to what Infertility is, that is hard to imagine another reality. I don't know what to do with that  possibility. The only thing I can think of comparing this to is graduating high school.

 

When you are a senior, you can't wait to graduate and go to college. The adventure, the excitement, the freedom.....it's all so appealing that graduation can't seem to come fast enough. Then you get to college (the thing you've been waiting for for SO long), and suddenly it feels  terrifying. and overwhelming, and still really exciting, but so new and different. For a moment in time, you look back at the familiarity of high school and realize you have to start all over.

 

That is kind of how I feel, but I'm not even to "college" yet. I can't freaking wait to get there.