Day 6...

Six days ago, I heard the most amazing words since my husband said "I do." I got the phone call that said, "Congratulations, you're pregnant." I am still in a state of disbelief. I want to preface this post by saying that if you are hoping that this is a bouncing off the walls post - this won't be it. I'll explain....

When I went in on Monday for my blood draw, I was feeling optimistic because of the positive tests, but I was still cautious because I didn't know if the hcG trigger was causing the lines. Since IF trains you to become used to disappointment, I'm of the mindset of preparing for the worst. My first beta came back at 75. While it was a good first beta, I couldn't really allow myself to feel much of anything until I went back to see if it doubled. On Wednesday, the number came back at 180, and my estrogen and progesterone levels were good. so it started to feel slightly more real.  My family knew that we were going through IVF, so they had been waiting to hear the results. Needless to say, they are thrilled for us.

And here I am, wanting so bad to be excited. Trying so hard to believe that this is real. But stupid infertility brain is doing everything it can to protect me from disappointment. To make me assume the worst so that when what I have always expected is the inevitable happens, I won't be completely crushed. It's a horrible feeling to have. On top of it is the guilt that I am not bouncing off the walls. How can I NOT be thrilled when the thing that I have been wanting and praying for for nearly 3 years has finally happened. I know that this isn't right - I know that I need to adjust my thinking. I just feel so conflicted. I want to enjoy every last minute that I am pregnant, no matter how long it lasts.  I need to have faith that this is our take home baby.

For now, I am pregnant.  I have been pregnant for 6 days. And I love our baby.