A few days ago, when AF showed up with all of her usual fanfare and I realized that IUI #4 didn't work, it was like a punch in the gut. Since we can't afford IVF, our Hail Mary was a chance at an IVF clinical study, and when the IUI failed, we knew that getting into the study was our only chance of moving on with treatment. We had already been pre-screened for the study, but had an appointment today to determine whether we would be accepted.
WE GOT IN! I am still in shock and can barely wrap my head around it. This study is essentially to prove the effectiveness of minimal stimulation IVF (Mini IVF) in comparison to conventional IVF. The idea is that while the effectiveness of conventional IVF is not really up for debate, minimal stimulation IVF, which sort of goes against conventional IVF treatments is equally as effective. It's sort of an issue of quantity vs. quality. the hypothesis is that while there are more eggs produced in conventional IVF, thus creating more potential embryos, that with mini IVF, there are fewer, but higher quality embryos produced resulting in similar outcomes with less medication.
Because this is a clinical study, I don't get to decide which treatment I do. In a couple of weeks, I will be randomly sorted into a study arm. At that point I will know whether I will be undergoing conventional or mini IVF treatment. As part of the study, the IVF will be covered at 100%. My only cost will be medications. Yes, you read that correctly. IVF. For almost free. Coming full circle to my reason for being in shock. I honestly can't believe that we have been given this amazing opportunity. In addition to agreeing to participate in either treatment arm, I also need to complete a daily and weekly log outlining my emotional and physical reactions to the treatment as well as continue to report back for a period of time so that if I do end up pregnant, they can track the live birth rate.
For the first time in awhile I feel enthusiastically hopeful. Come August, I have a real shot at finally becoming a mom. I can hardly believe it!
Friday, June 28, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
What NOT to Say...
Posts like this are up all over the place about infertility - and I mostly agree with all of them. There is stuff you just DON'T say to someone with Infertility. Kind of like you don't ask a woman how much she weighs, if she is pregnant, how old she is, etc. You also don't ask someone with a disabled child "what's wrong with them?" Or, with an adopted child, "Do you know who the real parents are?" Unfortunately, common sense in terms of appropriate interrogation is not that common after all. Additionally, I think that while generally people mean no harm, their ignorance can be really harmful. I wanted to take a different angle on this though....
My sister is adopted. She is a different race than me. When we were kids, we would dress up in matching outfits and say, "Look mom and dad -we're twins!" As far as we were concerned, we were just as much sisters as anyone else born into the same family biologically. It wasn't until years later when someone said to me, "You only have two real sisters though, right?" when I realized that maybe people didn't see my family the same way I did. It was like a punch to the gut. I quickly responded, "No, I have three REAL sisters, but if you mean biological, one of my sisters is adopted. She's still real, and she's still my sister." I felt a fierce need to defend my sister's place in our family.
Years later, as we are struggling with infertility and exploring the options that are available to us, I can't help but consider these things. There is a chance that we will have a biological child of our own, either naturally (slim chance), or with the help of ART. But, we have also always talked about adopting, and have very recently discussed embryo adoption in addition to traditional adoption. The point is, that I realized that the question of "Where do babies come from?" is no longer a simple one. Families are built in so many different ways. Odds are, my family will not be formed in the way that most people consider "normal." Thus, I will need to consider those pesky questions that will come down the road - in addition to the annoying questions and "helpful" advice that I already get.
My sister is adopted. She is a different race than me. When we were kids, we would dress up in matching outfits and say, "Look mom and dad -we're twins!" As far as we were concerned, we were just as much sisters as anyone else born into the same family biologically. It wasn't until years later when someone said to me, "You only have two real sisters though, right?" when I realized that maybe people didn't see my family the same way I did. It was like a punch to the gut. I quickly responded, "No, I have three REAL sisters, but if you mean biological, one of my sisters is adopted. She's still real, and she's still my sister." I felt a fierce need to defend my sister's place in our family.
Years later, as we are struggling with infertility and exploring the options that are available to us, I can't help but consider these things. There is a chance that we will have a biological child of our own, either naturally (slim chance), or with the help of ART. But, we have also always talked about adopting, and have very recently discussed embryo adoption in addition to traditional adoption. The point is, that I realized that the question of "Where do babies come from?" is no longer a simple one. Families are built in so many different ways. Odds are, my family will not be formed in the way that most people consider "normal." Thus, I will need to consider those pesky questions that will come down the road - in addition to the annoying questions and "helpful" advice that I already get.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Summer Hours & Whatnot
My work has this thing called "summer hours." Yep, it's what it sounds like, in the summer, we get off 3 hours early on Fridays. It is pretty spectacular, and the closer we get to June, the more antsy people get for that extra few hours leading into the weekend. The last two weeks 2/3's of the staff headed directly to our favorite bar across the street for post-work drinks. Needless to say, it isn't too busy at 3pm on a Friday,which makes for a damn good happy hour. I love summer hours. I love happy hours. I love spending time with my colleagues outside of work. (They are pretty awesome). BUT IUI #4 is on Thursday, and I would gladly sacrifice the remainder of my summer hour happy hours if this one works.
Today I triggered, and despite being no stranger to giving myself shots, this one was a mess. First of all, it's SYTYCD day, which means that my attention is diverted. I can only function during commercial breaks. As a result, I was an hour late administering my shot. Then, when I went to squeeze the air bubble out of the syringe, I ended up squirting out a short stream of meds. WHOOPS! As I squeezed my stomach fat trying to get a good angle for the syringe, I heard the SYTYCD music come on, indicating that the commercial break was over. I stabbed myself with the needle. GRRR! Bleeding from my stab wound, I had to re-angle the needle and appropriately administer the shot. Thankfully, a crisis was averted because I made it back in time to see the contemporary round. Boom!
A lot is riding on this IUI. If this doesn't work, we are moving on to an IVF consultation. This is like our hail mary - our IUI swan song. I really fricking want this to work. BUT, I am also mentally preparing for if it doesn't. I feel like I am at a place where if it doesn't, I will be ok. We aren't at the end of the road yet. There is still hope. And as time goes on, I feel like I am closer to believing that no matter what happens ultimately, I can be happy. Prior to infertility, I had never considered a life in which I wasn't a mother. Kids were always a part of the picture. Having to consider the possibility that they may not be was a challenge for me. I am not at peace with it yet - I haven't accepted it. But I can look ahead down the line and start to believe that even if we live our lives as a family of two, I can be whole in that.
Today I triggered, and despite being no stranger to giving myself shots, this one was a mess. First of all, it's SYTYCD day, which means that my attention is diverted. I can only function during commercial breaks. As a result, I was an hour late administering my shot. Then, when I went to squeeze the air bubble out of the syringe, I ended up squirting out a short stream of meds. WHOOPS! As I squeezed my stomach fat trying to get a good angle for the syringe, I heard the SYTYCD music come on, indicating that the commercial break was over. I stabbed myself with the needle. GRRR! Bleeding from my stab wound, I had to re-angle the needle and appropriately administer the shot. Thankfully, a crisis was averted because I made it back in time to see the contemporary round. Boom!
A lot is riding on this IUI. If this doesn't work, we are moving on to an IVF consultation. This is like our hail mary - our IUI swan song. I really fricking want this to work. BUT, I am also mentally preparing for if it doesn't. I feel like I am at a place where if it doesn't, I will be ok. We aren't at the end of the road yet. There is still hope. And as time goes on, I feel like I am closer to believing that no matter what happens ultimately, I can be happy. Prior to infertility, I had never considered a life in which I wasn't a mother. Kids were always a part of the picture. Having to consider the possibility that they may not be was a challenge for me. I am not at peace with it yet - I haven't accepted it. But I can look ahead down the line and start to believe that even if we live our lives as a family of two, I can be whole in that.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Crunching Numbers
I don't know what made me do it.....I think it had something to do with looking back on Fertility Friend and realizing that I had 34 charts under my current account, and knowing that I had about 22 on a previous account, and I thought to myself, "holy crap - we've been at this awhile!" I started thinking, "I wonder how many Dr. appointments, blood draws ultrasounds etc. that it's been?"
To be clear, I am just on my 29th month (24th cycle) of TTC. Prior to that, I was off BCP and charting for about 2 years - not using birth control, but using the good 'ol pull n' pray method. (On the off chance that there are any teenagers reading this - that method DOES NOT work! It worked for us because we're infertile.) The good news of that is that I had almost 24 months of charting under my belt, with consistent ovulation, so that when we finally started bangin' for the purpose of baby-making in February of 2011, I was pretty confident it would happen. HA! Not so much.
It's been 29 months, 22 Dr.'s visits, 16 vials of blood, 11 ultrasounds. When we started TTC, Natalie Portman was winning an Oscar for Black Swan. Born This Way was Lady Gaga's new single. There were riots and protests in Egypt, Libya and Bahrain. Charlie Sheen shot his famous "Tiger Blood" interview. Katy Perry and Russell Brand were still married. Crystal Harris was engaged to Hugh Hefner - the FIRST time.
I was living in a different state, in a different house, with a different job. I was 20 pounds thinner. And I was 100% confident that within the next year, (but probably less), I would become pregnant, and we would start our family.
Now, I am about 50% confident that I will get pregnant - 75% on a good day. And 100% confident that if I do, it's going to take more Dr.'s visits, more vials of blood, more ultrasounds, more meds, and more money to do so. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Was this the way I was thinking, expecting or hoping it would happen? Absolutely not. I'm starting to look at family in a different way. Starting to realize that I already HAVE a family - it just doesn't include children. Maybe someday it will - maybe it won't. I've got to learn to accept either outcome.
To be clear, I am just on my 29th month (24th cycle) of TTC. Prior to that, I was off BCP and charting for about 2 years - not using birth control, but using the good 'ol pull n' pray method. (On the off chance that there are any teenagers reading this - that method DOES NOT work! It worked for us because we're infertile.) The good news of that is that I had almost 24 months of charting under my belt, with consistent ovulation, so that when we finally started bangin' for the purpose of baby-making in February of 2011, I was pretty confident it would happen. HA! Not so much.
It's been 29 months, 22 Dr.'s visits, 16 vials of blood, 11 ultrasounds. When we started TTC, Natalie Portman was winning an Oscar for Black Swan. Born This Way was Lady Gaga's new single. There were riots and protests in Egypt, Libya and Bahrain. Charlie Sheen shot his famous "Tiger Blood" interview. Katy Perry and Russell Brand were still married. Crystal Harris was engaged to Hugh Hefner - the FIRST time.
I was living in a different state, in a different house, with a different job. I was 20 pounds thinner. And I was 100% confident that within the next year, (but probably less), I would become pregnant, and we would start our family.
Now, I am about 50% confident that I will get pregnant - 75% on a good day. And 100% confident that if I do, it's going to take more Dr.'s visits, more vials of blood, more ultrasounds, more meds, and more money to do so. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Was this the way I was thinking, expecting or hoping it would happen? Absolutely not. I'm starting to look at family in a different way. Starting to realize that I already HAVE a family - it just doesn't include children. Maybe someday it will - maybe it won't. I've got to learn to accept either outcome.
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