Crunching Numbers

I don't know what made me do it.....I think it had something to do with looking back on Fertility Friend and realizing that I had 34 charts under my current account, and knowing that I had about 22 on a previous account, and I thought to myself, "holy crap - we've been at this awhile!"  I started thinking, "I wonder how many Dr. appointments, blood draws ultrasounds etc. that it's been?"

To be clear, I am just on my 29th month (24th cycle) of TTC. Prior to that, I was off BCP and charting for about 2 years - not using birth control, but using the good 'ol pull n' pray method. (On the off chance that there are any teenagers reading this - that method DOES NOT work! It worked for us because we're infertile.)  The  good news of that is that I had almost 24 months of charting under my belt, with consistent ovulation, so that when we finally started  bangin' for the purpose of baby-making in February of 2011, I was pretty confident it would happen. HA! Not so much.

It's been 29 months, 22 Dr.'s visits, 16 vials of blood, 11 ultrasounds. When we started TTC, Natalie Portman was winning an Oscar for Black Swan.   Born This Way was Lady Gaga's new single. There were riots and protests in Egypt, Libya and Bahrain. Charlie Sheen shot his famous "Tiger Blood" interview. Katy Perry and Russell Brand were still married. Crystal Harris was engaged to Hugh Hefner - the FIRST time.
I was living in a different state, in a different house, with a different job. I was 20 pounds thinner. And I was 100% confident that within the next year, (but probably less), I would become  pregnant, and we would start our family.

Now, I am about 50% confident that I will get pregnant - 75% on a good day. And 100% confident that if I do, it's going to take more Dr.'s visits, more vials of blood, more ultrasounds, more meds, and more money to do so. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Was this the way I was thinking, expecting or hoping it would happen? Absolutely not. I'm starting to look at family in a different way. Starting to realize that I already HAVE a family - it just doesn't include children.  Maybe someday it will - maybe it won't. I've got to learn to accept either outcome.