Yeah, yeah - we're back to that again. I definitely didn't think that so much of my 32nd year would be spent with vag cams, getting poked and prodded, and having so much blood drawn that my elbow-pits are bruised - but that is my life.
I was optimistic last cycle - like, genuinely felt good that things finally worked for us. I made it until 14dpiui, went in for my betas, and right before I got the awesome phone message telling me "You're not pregnant", AF showed up. For some reason this time was more of a punch to the gut than previous cycles. That was month 25. More than two years of this crap. It is exhausting. Physically and emotionally. I don't know how much more I have left in me. The thing is - what other choice do I have?? If I ever want to be a mother, I need to keep going. Quitting isn't an option, as much as I want to quit. I can't give up.
Today as I went to the RE for the start of my 3rd IUI cycle it was with only a fraction of the optimism I've had in the past. It was hard to not cry, sitting in that office, wondering if this would ever be over - if I would ever get my happy ending. I was standing in line at the pharmacy with a box of tampons, midol, and my prescription for Clomid, and of course standing right in front of a very pregnant woman, and literally, for the first time, it sort of sucked.
I just need to find some strength. Because right now, I don't have enough.
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