You know you've had too many appointments with the vag cam, when you make sure your personal grooming coincides with the next time someone will be all up in your hoo-ha. In the last 3 months, I have had no less than 12 sets of eyes on my vagina between the RE's and nurses doing my exams. That's a lot of fucking pressure to make sure that everything is in order!
Today was my monitoring appointment for IUI #3, and also my chance to talk to the Dr. about what to do now, if things don't work out. I was a little bit disappointed with where things are at this cycle. Thus far, I have one 19mm follicle, and 5 follies under 10mm, with my lining only at a 5.5. I am supposed to use OPK's to see if I surge on my own (I should), and if not, do the Ovridrel injection on Friday for IUI on Saturday. I am trying to think really positively about things and believe that this could be it - that 3 weeks from now I could actually be pregnant. Unfortunately I find my head more frequently wandering to the other scenario, in which three weeks from now, I am meeting with my RE to talk about WTF to do next.
I have two applications sitting around for some programs that would help cover the cost of IVF, and one chance to possibly join a clinical trial that would cover the full cost of one IVF cycle, minus medications and genetic testing. I really, really don't want to get to that point, but then again, I never wanted to be here, 3 IUI's deep either. Bottom line - it isn't fair, and I just need to get used to it.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Give Me Just a Reason
Last week, I discovered this song. I cannot stop listening to it. Damn, if I haven't been there before.
As a Pisces through and through, music, dance, art, etc. is life-changing for me. It is so reflective of everything that I am thinking and feeling and expresses more than I feel capable of. I cannot wait for this season of SYTYCD. If you are not a fan of the show, you are wrong. It is SO freaking good. I am priming for this season by watching a few of my favorite routines from past seasons.
This one is probably my all time favorite.
Followed by this one:
Literally, my blog serves no purpose today other than to rock your world with these amazing musical and dance stylings. Enjoy!!
Monday, April 1, 2013
IF Fricking Sucks
Yeah, yeah - we're back to that again. I definitely didn't think that so much of my 32nd year would be spent with vag cams, getting poked and prodded, and having so much blood drawn that my elbow-pits are bruised - but that is my life.
I was optimistic last cycle - like, genuinely felt good that things finally worked for us. I made it until 14dpiui, went in for my betas, and right before I got the awesome phone message telling me "You're not pregnant", AF showed up. For some reason this time was more of a punch to the gut than previous cycles. That was month 25. More than two years of this crap. It is exhausting. Physically and emotionally. I don't know how much more I have left in me. The thing is - what other choice do I have?? If I ever want to be a mother, I need to keep going. Quitting isn't an option, as much as I want to quit. I can't give up.
Today as I went to the RE for the start of my 3rd IUI cycle it was with only a fraction of the optimism I've had in the past. It was hard to not cry, sitting in that office, wondering if this would ever be over - if I would ever get my happy ending. I was standing in line at the pharmacy with a box of tampons, midol, and my prescription for Clomid, and of course standing right in front of a very pregnant woman, and literally, for the first time, it sort of sucked.
I just need to find some strength. Because right now, I don't have enough.
I was optimistic last cycle - like, genuinely felt good that things finally worked for us. I made it until 14dpiui, went in for my betas, and right before I got the awesome phone message telling me "You're not pregnant", AF showed up. For some reason this time was more of a punch to the gut than previous cycles. That was month 25. More than two years of this crap. It is exhausting. Physically and emotionally. I don't know how much more I have left in me. The thing is - what other choice do I have?? If I ever want to be a mother, I need to keep going. Quitting isn't an option, as much as I want to quit. I can't give up.
Today as I went to the RE for the start of my 3rd IUI cycle it was with only a fraction of the optimism I've had in the past. It was hard to not cry, sitting in that office, wondering if this would ever be over - if I would ever get my happy ending. I was standing in line at the pharmacy with a box of tampons, midol, and my prescription for Clomid, and of course standing right in front of a very pregnant woman, and literally, for the first time, it sort of sucked.
I just need to find some strength. Because right now, I don't have enough.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
#EndTheVABacklog
I am absolutely exhausted, but am home after spending a taxing, but inspiring week advocating for veterans on The Hill.
In case you don't know, March 19th marked the 10th anniversary of the start of the Iraq war. There are still 60,000-ish troops in Afghanistan, and more than 2.6 million Americans have now deployed in support of Operation Eduring Freedom, Operation Iraqi Freedom, and Operation New Dawn.
Unfortunately, we don't always do the best job at taking care of these men and women when they come home. Currently over 900,000 claims are pending at the VA, and it is anticipated that by the end of the month, that number will exceed 1,000,000. Of those claims, nearly 700,000 are backlogged, meaning they have been pending for over 125 days. This is unacceptable. In fact, the average wait time right now is more than 273 days, and in many major cities, like NYC and LA, the wait time is more than 600 days. This is just for initial claims to be processed! Appeals often take even longer. 97% of all claims are still on paper. Yes, in 2013. In fact, some VA facilities have actually had to close due to the weight of the claims threatening the structural integrity of the buildings. This is what the VA backlog means to many vets. http://sth2013.tumblr.com/
I won't often ask things of you, but if you would please consider signing this petition, asking the President to step in and form a Presidential Commission to bring the best minds in the coutry together and create a plan to end the backlog, it would mean the world to so many veterans. If you wouldn't mind signing, and sharing, please visit the following site: http://iava.org/sth2013
Thank you for caring, and for demanding better care for our veterans!
In case you don't know, March 19th marked the 10th anniversary of the start of the Iraq war. There are still 60,000-ish troops in Afghanistan, and more than 2.6 million Americans have now deployed in support of Operation Eduring Freedom, Operation Iraqi Freedom, and Operation New Dawn.
Unfortunately, we don't always do the best job at taking care of these men and women when they come home. Currently over 900,000 claims are pending at the VA, and it is anticipated that by the end of the month, that number will exceed 1,000,000. Of those claims, nearly 700,000 are backlogged, meaning they have been pending for over 125 days. This is unacceptable. In fact, the average wait time right now is more than 273 days, and in many major cities, like NYC and LA, the wait time is more than 600 days. This is just for initial claims to be processed! Appeals often take even longer. 97% of all claims are still on paper. Yes, in 2013. In fact, some VA facilities have actually had to close due to the weight of the claims threatening the structural integrity of the buildings. This is what the VA backlog means to many vets. http://sth2013.tumblr.com/
I won't often ask things of you, but if you would please consider signing this petition, asking the President to step in and form a Presidential Commission to bring the best minds in the coutry together and create a plan to end the backlog, it would mean the world to so many veterans. If you wouldn't mind signing, and sharing, please visit the following site: http://iava.org/sth2013
Thank you for caring, and for demanding better care for our veterans!
Friday, March 15, 2013
Swamped
I have been absolutely freaking swamped. This week, I have not left work prior to 8pm, and have been dog tired by the time I get home. We are gearing up for our biggest event of the year at work, and on Sunday I leave for a full week to participate as the point person for one nationwide component of this project. Yikes! Super excited, a little nervous, and moderately overwhelmed.
I am several days late updating on my last RE appointment, but because I haven't really talked to anyone about it, you are getting the full update. (Yay for you).
This cycle I did 100mg of Clomid from days 3-7, and went in for my monitoring appointment on Wednesday, which was CD10. I was hoping for better progress than what I got, especially since I am leaving town on Sunday, and wanted to be sure to get the IUI in before I left. Unfortunately, on Wednesday, my lining was only at a 6.5 (last cycle it was at 9), and while I had 5 follicles, they were measuring smaller than last cycle. I had a 12mm on the right, and a 16, 12, and two 11mm on the left. As I understand it, follies usually grow about 2mm in 24-36 hours, and they like to see them at around 18mm or better before the IUI. I have been hoping like crazy that those bad boys grew like crazy and that I will have a few good targets.
New this cycle was the introduction of a trigger shot. Me and shots don't mix. At all. I hate getting my blood drawn, I hate the finger prick and I really really hate shots. However, in order to time things properly and get this shiz done before my work trip, it was a necessary evil. It wasn't nearly as bad as I had psyched myself out that it would be, and now I am all geared up to go in for my IUI tomorrow.
I will be wearing my St.Jude medallion, my rose quartz bracelet and will be begging prayers, positive thoughts, and well-wishes from family, friends and strangers alike. 26 months in and I am ready for something to work!
I am assuming the next week will be insane, and I don't know if I will be able to check in, but hopefully I will have some really awesome news to report in a couple of weeks!
I am several days late updating on my last RE appointment, but because I haven't really talked to anyone about it, you are getting the full update. (Yay for you).
This cycle I did 100mg of Clomid from days 3-7, and went in for my monitoring appointment on Wednesday, which was CD10. I was hoping for better progress than what I got, especially since I am leaving town on Sunday, and wanted to be sure to get the IUI in before I left. Unfortunately, on Wednesday, my lining was only at a 6.5 (last cycle it was at 9), and while I had 5 follicles, they were measuring smaller than last cycle. I had a 12mm on the right, and a 16, 12, and two 11mm on the left. As I understand it, follies usually grow about 2mm in 24-36 hours, and they like to see them at around 18mm or better before the IUI. I have been hoping like crazy that those bad boys grew like crazy and that I will have a few good targets.
New this cycle was the introduction of a trigger shot. Me and shots don't mix. At all. I hate getting my blood drawn, I hate the finger prick and I really really hate shots. However, in order to time things properly and get this shiz done before my work trip, it was a necessary evil. It wasn't nearly as bad as I had psyched myself out that it would be, and now I am all geared up to go in for my IUI tomorrow.
I will be wearing my St.Jude medallion, my rose quartz bracelet and will be begging prayers, positive thoughts, and well-wishes from family, friends and strangers alike. 26 months in and I am ready for something to work!
I am assuming the next week will be insane, and I don't know if I will be able to check in, but hopefully I will have some really awesome news to report in a couple of weeks!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
American Horror Story, Candy Crush & Angry Birds Star Wars Edition
I promised myself I would keep busy this 2WW so that I wouldn't overanalyze every phantom symptom while I waited to find out whether this IUI worked or not. Enter American Horror Story, Candy Crush, and Angry Birds Star Wars Edition.
First of all, I don't know whether to slap or hug the person or people who told me to watch American Horror Story. I can't stop watching, yet every episode is so disturbing that I fear I will never sleep again. I am halfway through season 1 and have never wanted something to simultaneously end and continue at the same time. If you haven't seen it, I'm not going to tell you to watch it, but I'm also not going to tell you not to....
I think it goes without saying that Candy Crush is one of the most addictive games ever invented. I am currently stuck on level 23, and the amount of frustration I have at being unable to pass that level surpasses the level of frustration associated with being stuck in rush hour traffic.
Lastly, those damn pigs in Angry Birds are now dressed as Storm Troopers and laughing Darth Vaders. It is maddening! I finally made it off of Tattooine, but cannotfor the life of me make it off the Death Star!
It's a good thing that I have had some activities to keep my mind occupied, because unfortunately this IUI cycle didn't work. I wasn't expecting much, but I was still trying to remain optimistic and have hope. I don't really know how to have a lot of hope after 25 months and 20 cycles though. I wish I could say that I went into it feeling good that it would work out- I didn't. Call me cynical, and maybe I am, I just have a hard time convincing myself to have hope when I have spent the last 25 months training myself how to not be disappointed.
In any case, we are trying it again.I started Clomid again tonight, and based on my excellent response last month, we are doing 100mg. again. I go back in next Wednesday for my monitoring appointment, and plan on asking for a trigger this cycle with the hopes of boosting our chances. Between now and then however, I am going to try and convince myself to hope.
First of all, I don't know whether to slap or hug the person or people who told me to watch American Horror Story. I can't stop watching, yet every episode is so disturbing that I fear I will never sleep again. I am halfway through season 1 and have never wanted something to simultaneously end and continue at the same time. If you haven't seen it, I'm not going to tell you to watch it, but I'm also not going to tell you not to....
I think it goes without saying that Candy Crush is one of the most addictive games ever invented. I am currently stuck on level 23, and the amount of frustration I have at being unable to pass that level surpasses the level of frustration associated with being stuck in rush hour traffic.
Lastly, those damn pigs in Angry Birds are now dressed as Storm Troopers and laughing Darth Vaders. It is maddening! I finally made it off of Tattooine, but cannotfor the life of me make it off the Death Star!
It's a good thing that I have had some activities to keep my mind occupied, because unfortunately this IUI cycle didn't work. I wasn't expecting much, but I was still trying to remain optimistic and have hope. I don't really know how to have a lot of hope after 25 months and 20 cycles though. I wish I could say that I went into it feeling good that it would work out- I didn't. Call me cynical, and maybe I am, I just have a hard time convincing myself to have hope when I have spent the last 25 months training myself how to not be disappointed.
In any case, we are trying it again.I started Clomid again tonight, and based on my excellent response last month, we are doing 100mg. again. I go back in next Wednesday for my monitoring appointment, and plan on asking for a trigger this cycle with the hopes of boosting our chances. Between now and then however, I am going to try and convince myself to hope.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Officially 32
Yep. It's the real thing. The big 3-2. I don't know how I am supposed to feel, but I don't really feel anything, other than an incredibly deep desire to eat Funfetti cake. I have decided that if only 2 things happen today in honor of my birthday, it will be me consuming as much Funfetti cake as my body can handle without going into shock, and me shamelessly wearing sweatpants in public. Why? Because I can.
Yesterday my team at work took me out for a delicious lunch, and though simple, it was seriously like the sweetest gesture ever. I love my team and they took me to my favorite restaurant. Nothing better than a juicy burger to celebrate your aging and the gradual decline of your body. After work, almost the whole office met up for a drink at our favorite post-work bar hangout. It meant a lot to me that everyone came out to celebrate. Did I mention, I seriously have the best work-friends ever?? Finally, DH and I capped off the evening with a hat-tip to National Margarita day when we met up with friends for pitchers of margaritas and spicy chicken nachos at 5 Burros. Like that play on words? It was awesome, and though I am contemplating the wisdom of consuming a 1/2 pitcher of margaritas, I certainly don't regret an evening of fun and frivolity on the eve of my 32nd birthday.
Yesterday one of my co-workers asked me what the best part of the last year was for me......and if I can be totally honest, last year was a shit year. But I found that for some reason I wasn't dwelling on it as much as I have in the past. I found myself more in the mindset of "it is what it is" and instead thinking of what was happening in that moment, and the fact that I had acquired so many great friends, was eating one of the most delicious brownies known to man, was listening to laughter all around me, and realizing that I have a whole hell of a lot to be thankful for and to look forward to. So on that note.....we'll see what I do at 32!?!
Yesterday my team at work took me out for a delicious lunch, and though simple, it was seriously like the sweetest gesture ever. I love my team and they took me to my favorite restaurant. Nothing better than a juicy burger to celebrate your aging and the gradual decline of your body. After work, almost the whole office met up for a drink at our favorite post-work bar hangout. It meant a lot to me that everyone came out to celebrate. Did I mention, I seriously have the best work-friends ever?? Finally, DH and I capped off the evening with a hat-tip to National Margarita day when we met up with friends for pitchers of margaritas and spicy chicken nachos at 5 Burros. Like that play on words? It was awesome, and though I am contemplating the wisdom of consuming a 1/2 pitcher of margaritas, I certainly don't regret an evening of fun and frivolity on the eve of my 32nd birthday.
Yesterday one of my co-workers asked me what the best part of the last year was for me......and if I can be totally honest, last year was a shit year. But I found that for some reason I wasn't dwelling on it as much as I have in the past. I found myself more in the mindset of "it is what it is" and instead thinking of what was happening in that moment, and the fact that I had acquired so many great friends, was eating one of the most delicious brownies known to man, was listening to laughter all around me, and realizing that I have a whole hell of a lot to be thankful for and to look forward to. So on that note.....we'll see what I do at 32!?!
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