I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I mean, I didn't literally want to be a mom when I was 17, but I knew that someday I wanted children. When I got married 5 1/2 years ago, I definitely didn't think that I would be here at this moment in time, without any kids.
I'm not bitter. It is what it is. I've been to dark places along this Infertility journey, but as crazy as it sounds, I've been able to find some silver linings. My marriage is in a fantastic place. I have found a career that I absolutely love. I have had amazing times with friends. Infertility isn't crushing me. I am living with it, and I am so thankful for that. That said, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Now here we are, at the beginning of our 1st IUI cycle and my emotions are crazy. For the last two years, every cycle I have spent thinking "What if this doesn't work?" and now I am in this weird place where I am thinking "What if this does work?" I don't know how to explain it. I think I have gotten so used to what Infertility is, that is hard to imagine another reality. I don't know what to do with that possibility. The only thing I can think of comparing this to is graduating high school.
When you are a senior, you can't wait to graduate and go to college. The adventure, the excitement, the freedom.....it's all so appealing that graduation can't seem to come fast enough. Then you get to college (the thing you've been waiting for for SO long), and suddenly it feels terrifying. and overwhelming, and still really exciting, but so new and different. For a moment in time, you look back at the familiarity of high school and realize you have to start all over.
That is kind of how I feel, but I'm not even to "college" yet. I can't freaking wait to get there.
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