Yep. It's the real thing. The big 3-2. I don't know how I am supposed to feel, but I don't really feel anything, other than an incredibly deep desire to eat Funfetti cake. I have decided that if only 2 things happen today in honor of my birthday, it will be me consuming as much Funfetti cake as my body can handle without going into shock, and me shamelessly wearing sweatpants in public. Why? Because I can.
Yesterday my team at work took me out for a delicious lunch, and though simple, it was seriously like the sweetest gesture ever. I love my team and they took me to my favorite restaurant. Nothing better than a juicy burger to celebrate your aging and the gradual decline of your body. After work, almost the whole office met up for a drink at our favorite post-work bar hangout. It meant a lot to me that everyone came out to celebrate. Did I mention, I seriously have the best work-friends ever?? Finally, DH and I capped off the evening with a hat-tip to National Margarita day when we met up with friends for pitchers of margaritas and spicy chicken nachos at 5 Burros. Like that play on words? It was awesome, and though I am contemplating the wisdom of consuming a 1/2 pitcher of margaritas, I certainly don't regret an evening of fun and frivolity on the eve of my 32nd birthday.
Yesterday one of my co-workers asked me what the best part of the last year was for me......and if I can be totally honest, last year was a shit year. But I found that for some reason I wasn't dwelling on it as much as I have in the past. I found myself more in the mindset of "it is what it is" and instead thinking of what was happening in that moment, and the fact that I had acquired so many great friends, was eating one of the most delicious brownies known to man, was listening to laughter all around me, and realizing that I have a whole hell of a lot to be thankful for and to look forward to. So on that note.....we'll see what I do at 32!?!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
I've Been Inseminated!
Really, I did not intend for this blog to be solely about my infertility, but since that is kind of my thing right now, that is what you get to hear about. This IUI cycle went down a lot more stressfully than I anticipated, and while I am still very hopeful, I am not expecting much. I am just too nervous about the variables.
After my monitoring appointment on Friday, I thought for sure I would surge soon because of my follie sizes. After no surge on Friday night, or Saturday, we kind of just said fuck it. Literally. And I apologize for being crass. I didn't know if I had perhaps missed my surge or if it was still coming and without a trigger, I didn't know what to do. After another negative OPK yesterday morning, we BD'ed again figuring that the earliest we would be in for the IUI would be Tuesday. This morning, however, I woke up with a glaringly positive OPK. Shoot. Originally, the RE told me to test in the evenings and come in the morning after a positive, but I didn't know what to do since I took this in the morning....come in today, or wait another 24 hours. I called the nurses line and told them the situation and they told me to come in today. Double shoot. Not more than 30 hours since we last BD'ed. :( Not optimal timing at all, but didn't know if waiting another 24 hours would make us miss it.
We made it in, and the lack of down time between bangin' and the IUI definitely showed in the numbers. Despite the fact that DH's SA showed more than 120 million sperm, we only got about 5 million post-wash with this IUI. I am really, really disappointed with that. I wasn't too concerned at first because the RE seemed ok with it, but damn Google is showing likelihood of success at much higher numbers so now I feel discouraged. The RE told us to BD tonight and again tomorrow, so hopefully that will up our odds.
I think I was just expecting to feel way better about things once this was done, but turns out, I don't feel any more optimistic than I have any other cycle. So now, here I sit, a freaking basketcase to the likes of which I haven't experienced in a really really long time. I need to keep busy this week so I don't lose my mind. Obviously, worst case scenario, we just do it again next cycle - no harm, no foul, but dang, I am sick of TTC.
After my monitoring appointment on Friday, I thought for sure I would surge soon because of my follie sizes. After no surge on Friday night, or Saturday, we kind of just said fuck it. Literally. And I apologize for being crass. I didn't know if I had perhaps missed my surge or if it was still coming and without a trigger, I didn't know what to do. After another negative OPK yesterday morning, we BD'ed again figuring that the earliest we would be in for the IUI would be Tuesday. This morning, however, I woke up with a glaringly positive OPK. Shoot. Originally, the RE told me to test in the evenings and come in the morning after a positive, but I didn't know what to do since I took this in the morning....come in today, or wait another 24 hours. I called the nurses line and told them the situation and they told me to come in today. Double shoot. Not more than 30 hours since we last BD'ed. :( Not optimal timing at all, but didn't know if waiting another 24 hours would make us miss it.
We made it in, and the lack of down time between bangin' and the IUI definitely showed in the numbers. Despite the fact that DH's SA showed more than 120 million sperm, we only got about 5 million post-wash with this IUI. I am really, really disappointed with that. I wasn't too concerned at first because the RE seemed ok with it, but damn Google is showing likelihood of success at much higher numbers so now I feel discouraged. The RE told us to BD tonight and again tomorrow, so hopefully that will up our odds.
I think I was just expecting to feel way better about things once this was done, but turns out, I don't feel any more optimistic than I have any other cycle. So now, here I sit, a freaking basketcase to the likes of which I haven't experienced in a really really long time. I need to keep busy this week so I don't lose my mind. Obviously, worst case scenario, we just do it again next cycle - no harm, no foul, but dang, I am sick of TTC.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Right Around the Corner....
My 32nd birthday is right around the corner, and this week, I plan on celebrating with as many people up in my vajay as possible! Woot!
Friday, after a week of traveling, and only minimal Clomid-induced hot-flashes, I was looking forward (albeit anxiously) to my monitoring appointment with my RE. For the record, a monitoring appointment involves a dildo-cam and no less than 2 people looking at my lady-bits. In any case, it went pretty darn well. The RE on duty was really impressed with how I had responded to the Clomid. My lining was measuring 8.9, which means nothing to me, but the doc didn't seem concerned. I also had 4 follicles, 3 of which looked amazing! I had 2 on the left, measuring14mm and 21mm and 2 on the right measuring 19mm and 24mm. They like to see follies measuring 18mm or better.
I was sent home with instructions to take ovulation tests twice a day until I noticed a surge, and come in the morning following the surge. Based on darkening tests, I am hoping that perhaps tomorrow will be the day! Nothing says "Happy Birthday" like a catheter through your cervix and your husband's spooge in a cup! I am so excited!
Friday, after a week of traveling, and only minimal Clomid-induced hot-flashes, I was looking forward (albeit anxiously) to my monitoring appointment with my RE. For the record, a monitoring appointment involves a dildo-cam and no less than 2 people looking at my lady-bits. In any case, it went pretty darn well. The RE on duty was really impressed with how I had responded to the Clomid. My lining was measuring 8.9, which means nothing to me, but the doc didn't seem concerned. I also had 4 follicles, 3 of which looked amazing! I had 2 on the left, measuring14mm and 21mm and 2 on the right measuring 19mm and 24mm. They like to see follies measuring 18mm or better.
I was sent home with instructions to take ovulation tests twice a day until I noticed a surge, and come in the morning following the surge. Based on darkening tests, I am hoping that perhaps tomorrow will be the day! Nothing says "Happy Birthday" like a catheter through your cervix and your husband's spooge in a cup! I am so excited!
Deep Clean
I am kind of a clean freak. No, actually, it drives me crazy when my apartment is a mess. Unfortunately, I don't have the funds to hire someone to clean, my husband doesn't care, and after working 45 or so hours a week, I am less than inspired to do much more than read a book and relax, so more often than not I bite my tongue and look the other way instead of acknowledging the mess that is my house.
Problem #1 is the fact that my dog emits a near-constant stream of loose fur. He's like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. I need someone to explain the biology behind the fact that my dog hasn't developed any bald spots, yet in a week I can collect enough fur with the vacuum to reconstruct another dog.
Problem #2 is the magnetic pull of the countertop next to the sink. It's amazing to me. The sink can be empty, as well as the dishwasher, but somehow my husband's dishes miraculously end up next to the empty sink after every meal. I don't understand the aversion to the sink or dishwasher. It is almost as though cleaning vessels repel his dishes.
Problem #3 is the random sock distribution. When my husband or I get home for the day, my dog has this thing about parading around a shoe or a sock. I don't understand it, but it happens without fail. It is his thing. Unfortunately, my husband has a thing about taking off socks and not putting them in the hamper. The combination of these two habits mean that at any given time there are 7-9 individual socks scattered about.
Problem #4 is the aversion to like-item groupings. Some might say I am OCD. Really, I just watched a lot of Sesame Street..."One of these things is not like the other.....," you get the idea. Why, oh why would one feel inclined to put a bowl in a cabinet that is clearly designated for glasses? And why is mail in my silverware drawer? I'll tell you why- DH didn't watch Sesame Street and now he is fucked.
Last week, I deep cleaned my house. Like, up to my elbows in bleach, with a toothbrush, scouring grout in the shower. Emptying out all of the cabinets, scrubbing them, and re-organizing the spices by category. Vacuuming a German-Shepherds-worth of fur from the floor. Today, I realize that all of my efforts have not negated the existance of Problems #1-4. I am sitting in sweatpants not doing a damn thing about it. And at the moment, I don't care.
Problem #1 is the fact that my dog emits a near-constant stream of loose fur. He's like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. I need someone to explain the biology behind the fact that my dog hasn't developed any bald spots, yet in a week I can collect enough fur with the vacuum to reconstruct another dog.
Problem #2 is the magnetic pull of the countertop next to the sink. It's amazing to me. The sink can be empty, as well as the dishwasher, but somehow my husband's dishes miraculously end up next to the empty sink after every meal. I don't understand the aversion to the sink or dishwasher. It is almost as though cleaning vessels repel his dishes.
Problem #3 is the random sock distribution. When my husband or I get home for the day, my dog has this thing about parading around a shoe or a sock. I don't understand it, but it happens without fail. It is his thing. Unfortunately, my husband has a thing about taking off socks and not putting them in the hamper. The combination of these two habits mean that at any given time there are 7-9 individual socks scattered about.
Problem #4 is the aversion to like-item groupings. Some might say I am OCD. Really, I just watched a lot of Sesame Street..."One of these things is not like the other.....," you get the idea. Why, oh why would one feel inclined to put a bowl in a cabinet that is clearly designated for glasses? And why is mail in my silverware drawer? I'll tell you why- DH didn't watch Sesame Street and now he is fucked.
Last week, I deep cleaned my house. Like, up to my elbows in bleach, with a toothbrush, scouring grout in the shower. Emptying out all of the cabinets, scrubbing them, and re-organizing the spices by category. Vacuuming a German-Shepherds-worth of fur from the floor. Today, I realize that all of my efforts have not negated the existance of Problems #1-4. I am sitting in sweatpants not doing a damn thing about it. And at the moment, I don't care.
Friday, February 8, 2013
What if It Doesn't Work? What if it Does?
I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I mean, I didn't literally want to be a mom when I was 17, but I knew that someday I wanted children. When I got married 5 1/2 years ago, I definitely didn't think that I would be here at this moment in time, without any kids.
I'm not bitter. It is what it is. I've been to dark places along this Infertility journey, but as crazy as it sounds, I've been able to find some silver linings. My marriage is in a fantastic place. I have found a career that I absolutely love. I have had amazing times with friends. Infertility isn't crushing me. I am living with it, and I am so thankful for that. That said, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
Now here we are, at the beginning of our 1st IUI cycle and my emotions are crazy. For the last two years, every cycle I have spent thinking "What if this doesn't work?" and now I am in this weird place where I am thinking "What if this does work?" I don't know how to explain it. I think I have gotten so used to what Infertility is, that is hard to imagine another reality. I don't know what to do with that possibility. The only thing I can think of comparing this to is graduating high school.
When you are a senior, you can't wait to graduate and go to college. The adventure, the excitement, the freedom.....it's all so appealing that graduation can't seem to come fast enough. Then you get to college (the thing you've been waiting for for SO long), and suddenly it feels terrifying. and overwhelming, and still really exciting, but so new and different. For a moment in time, you look back at the familiarity of high school and realize you have to start all over.
That is kind of how I feel, but I'm not even to "college" yet. I can't freaking wait to get there.
The Vageen
Yes, I titled this post after a vagina. Unfortunately this came about as I was reflecting on the disturbing number of men that have seen my vagina since I've been married. Infertility is a bitch!
I suppose I should back up a bit.....(TMI Warning Ahead!!!)
As comes around every 30-ish days (give or take), I started my period last weekend, and after (literally just a couple) tears and a box of Good 'n Plenty's I decided that I needed to talk with my DH (dear husband or damn husband, depending on my mood). about WTF we are going to do. After 24 months of trying (unsucessfully) to get pregnant, an Unexplained Infertility diagnosis, and a bunch of other shit that hit the fan, I have felt like we were on the cusp of needing to make some big decisions, and this was it.....
I was shocked to find out that my DH was ready to go ahead with our IUI treatment plan that had been on hold for almost a year. The following day I contacted our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to find out what the cost of IUI would be under our new insurance. Part of the reason for our delay in treatment was that under our previous insurance, IUI would cost around $900 per cycle, and we wanted to have enough saved up to do multiple cycles at a time if needed. This paired with some other significant and unanticipated financial obligations put us in a tough spot. However, I got better news than I could have possibly expected when I found out that with our new insurance, IUI was COVERED except for co-pays. SAY WHAT?!?! This never happens! For some reason, even though Infertility is classified as a disease, insurance companies typically don't feel inclined to cover it.
It was settled. We decided to go ahead with IUI this cycle. I am still in shock. It is crazy that this is the first cycle in 24 months that we have had a fighting chance of actually getting pregnant. I am a realist, the odds are still not in our favor, but they are within reason, and that counts for something.
On Tuesday I went in for my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound, and this is where things come full circle to my earlier point about dudes seeing my vag. Nothing like having someone looking at your meat flaps while probing you with a dildo-cam. It was awesome. All went well, my bloodwork ended up being ok (after one re-test) and the ultrasound showed nothing of major concern. I was then given my prescription for Clomid to take from CD5-CD9.
So yesterday, I started popping these bad boys:
I suppose I should back up a bit.....(TMI Warning Ahead!!!)
As comes around every 30-ish days (give or take), I started my period last weekend, and after (literally just a couple) tears and a box of Good 'n Plenty's I decided that I needed to talk with my DH (dear husband or damn husband, depending on my mood). about WTF we are going to do. After 24 months of trying (unsucessfully) to get pregnant, an Unexplained Infertility diagnosis, and a bunch of other shit that hit the fan, I have felt like we were on the cusp of needing to make some big decisions, and this was it.....
I was shocked to find out that my DH was ready to go ahead with our IUI treatment plan that had been on hold for almost a year. The following day I contacted our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to find out what the cost of IUI would be under our new insurance. Part of the reason for our delay in treatment was that under our previous insurance, IUI would cost around $900 per cycle, and we wanted to have enough saved up to do multiple cycles at a time if needed. This paired with some other significant and unanticipated financial obligations put us in a tough spot. However, I got better news than I could have possibly expected when I found out that with our new insurance, IUI was COVERED except for co-pays. SAY WHAT?!?! This never happens! For some reason, even though Infertility is classified as a disease, insurance companies typically don't feel inclined to cover it.
It was settled. We decided to go ahead with IUI this cycle. I am still in shock. It is crazy that this is the first cycle in 24 months that we have had a fighting chance of actually getting pregnant. I am a realist, the odds are still not in our favor, but they are within reason, and that counts for something.
On Tuesday I went in for my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound, and this is where things come full circle to my earlier point about dudes seeing my vag. Nothing like having someone looking at your meat flaps while probing you with a dildo-cam. It was awesome. All went well, my bloodwork ended up being ok (after one re-test) and the ultrasound showed nothing of major concern. I was then given my prescription for Clomid to take from CD5-CD9.
So yesterday, I started popping these bad boys:
Yay! Let the hot flashes and mood swings begin! I go back on the 15th for a monitoring ultrasound and am hoping for some good follicles, a nice looking lining, and no cysts!
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