Round 3 With the Vag Cam

You know you've had too many appointments with the vag cam, when you make sure your personal grooming coincides with the next time someone will be all up in your hoo-ha. In the last 3 months, I have had no less than 12 sets of eyes on my vagina between the RE's and nurses doing my exams.  That's a lot of fucking pressure to make sure that everything is in order!

Today was my monitoring appointment for IUI #3, and also my chance to talk to the Dr. about what to do now, if things don't work out.  I was a little bit disappointed with where things are at this cycle.  Thus far, I have one 19mm follicle, and 5 follies under 10mm, with my lining only at a 5.5.  I am supposed to use OPK's to see if I surge on my own (I should), and if not, do the Ovridrel injection on Friday for IUI on Saturday. I am trying to think really positively about things and believe that this could be it - that 3 weeks from now I could actually be pregnant. Unfortunately I find my head more frequently wandering to the other scenario, in which three weeks from now, I am meeting with my RE to talk about WTF to do next.

I have two applications sitting around for some programs that would help cover the cost of IVF, and one chance to possibly join a clinical trial that would cover the full cost of one IVF cycle, minus medications and genetic testing. I really, really don't want to get to that point, but then again, I never wanted to be here, 3 IUI's deep either. Bottom line - it isn't fair, and I just need to get used to it.

Give Me Just a Reason

Last week, I discovered this song. I cannot stop listening to it. Damn, if I haven't been there before.

 

As a Pisces through and through, music, dance, art, etc. is life-changing for me. It is so reflective of everything that I am thinking and feeling and expresses more than I feel capable of.  I cannot wait for this season of SYTYCD. If you are not a fan of the show, you are wrong. It is SO freaking good. I am priming for this season by watching a few of my favorite routines from past seasons.

 

This one is probably my all time favorite.

 

Followed by this one:

 

Literally, my blog serves no purpose today other than to rock your world with these amazing musical and dance stylings. Enjoy!!

 

 



IF Fricking Sucks

Yeah, yeah - we're back to that again. I definitely didn't think that so much of my 32nd year would be spent with vag cams, getting poked and prodded, and having so much blood drawn that my elbow-pits are bruised - but that is my life.

I was optimistic last cycle - like, genuinely felt good that things finally worked for us. I made it until 14dpiui, went in for my betas, and right before I got the awesome phone message telling me "You're not pregnant", AF showed up. For some reason this time was more of a punch to the gut than previous cycles. That was month 25. More than two years of this crap. It is exhausting. Physically and emotionally. I don't know how much more I have left in me. The thing is - what other choice do I have??  If I ever want to be a mother, I need to keep going. Quitting isn't an option, as much as I want to quit. I can't give up.

Today as I went to the RE for the start of my 3rd IUI cycle it was with only a fraction of the optimism I've had in the past. It was hard to not cry, sitting in that office, wondering if this would ever be over - if I would ever get my happy ending.  I was standing in line at the pharmacy with a box of tampons, midol, and my prescription for Clomid, and of course standing right in front of a very pregnant woman, and literally, for the first time, it sort of sucked.

I just need to find some strength. Because right now, I don't have enough.