NAIW (Late Publish - Sorry Folks!)

Wow. It's been awhile. It's been one hell of a month.


This week was National  Infertility Awareness Week, which meant a whole lot to me this year.  Last year, I was diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility the week after NAIW. Here I am 365 days later and still dealing with the struggles of infertility. 

This month was supposed to be IUI #3. Long story, but we had to switch to TI, and although I have not moved onto my next cycle officially yet, I am two negative pregnancy tests deep, so I think it is pretty safe to say that I can count on another IUI cycle in the coming days.

This month, I had a meeting with my RE to talk about next steps and what to do if this cycle didn't work. At the time, I was still thinking we would be doing IUI, but this was still my 4th Clomid cycle, and since the RE likes to do things in 3's, he felt like we should switch meds if this cycle didn't work. SO, whenever AF shows up, I will be doing IUI #3.5 with Letrazole.  RE suggested 2 IUI cycles w/Letrazole before moving on to IVF. I am crossing everything that we don't get to that point!

In any case, when NAIW showed up this year, I went back and forth a ton about whether to "come out" about our IF.  I decided to order a necklace as a subtle acknowledgement of our IF,(Ignore the fluffy towel background) but I wasn't sold on doing anything more.

 

However, after talking with some of the ladies on my message board, I worked up the courage to go a little bit more public with our IF. I posted some facts about NAIW on Facebook, and admitted that we are struggling.  While I was nervous about what the response would be I was overwhelmed by the encouragement I received. A few people even emailed me to come out  about their own infertility struggles and thank me for posting.  While I am still expecting an occasional stupid comment, I am glad that I put things out there.  Bit by bit I am feeling a little more free.

 

 

After all of the support, I was feeling as though I was in a pretty good place with things.  Then I got a call that made me realize all over again what a rollercoaster of emotions this is.  My baby sister is pregnant with baby #2.  We started TTC before she had her first.  This baby took her 3 months to conceive, (the 1st was a happy surprise) and while I would never ever wish this struggle on anyone, I sure as shit wish it could be that easy for me.  I'm happy for her, but then I feel incredibly guilty that I had the urge to cry about how unfair it is that I can't be so lucky. It's an awful feeling.

 

Today I tried to relax and soak in the beautiful weather. I had the day off of work, the sun was shining, and I tried to make a conscious effort to do something to be good to myself. I made a nice dinner, I went to a movie, I sat out on my fire escape and read.  I spend SO much time being down on myself, but I feel like I need to spend more time being good to myself.  Hopefully I can get to that place.



Things I Do At 32

Sheesh, I have been shittacular at updating.  And I have no really good reason, other than the fact that I have been hooked on Candy Crush Saga and Best Ink, and can't seem to inspire myself to conjure up something worthwhile to talk about that doesn't involve my vagina or the ridiculous amount of Dr. visits that seem to fill my time.  I finally have a few things to talk about. 

The last couple of weeks have been interesting for me. I took a week off of work, for no other reason than the fact that work was making me want to fake my own death and never return.  Don't worry though, I am over it. I just really really needed a break.  I decided to head home and visit family for 5 days. The visit itself was pretty good overall.  The most noteworthy things that occurred:

1)  Following my tiptoe into the world of being blonde, at the recommendation of my stylist, Leo, I decided to let my sister (also a cosmetologist) lighten my hair even more.....and add some subtle hot pink extensions.  I am sure you are wondering how hot pink extensions can be "subtle", but I had them added in the under layers of my hair so that they can be hidden a bit, but also brought out a bit more. I love them. It feels fun, and a little bit sassy, but still not too cray-cray.

2)  I got motion sickness and projectile vomited on the airplane on the way home.  Hands down, the most humiliating moment of my life.  Nothing more to say about that one.

3) I have shamelessly been taking in the beautiful weather this past week. One of the things that I love about my job is the camaraderie between my co-workers.  Friday, we took full advantage of the 70 degrees and sun.  We all packed up our laptops and went to the park where we spent the day working, and sharing a picnic. When we got back to the office, we wrapped up and enjoyed some brews before heading home for the weekend. Aside from the obvious awesome here, it was made better by the fact that my co-workers legitimately kick ass. 

The weekend is over, and tomorrow I head back to reality.  I have another ultrasound tomorrow morning, after my last ultrasound showed that I had no mature follicles. I was disappointed, but not surprised. With a natural cycle IUI and normal ovulation around CD17 or 18, an ultrasound on CD12 was pretty much just for the fun of not going too long between dildo-cam exams.  That said, I am hoping that tomorrow nets some more positive results.

Stay Classy, everyone. Catch you on the flip.

Round 3 With the Vag Cam

You know you've had too many appointments with the vag cam, when you make sure your personal grooming coincides with the next time someone will be all up in your hoo-ha. In the last 3 months, I have had no less than 12 sets of eyes on my vagina between the RE's and nurses doing my exams.  That's a lot of fucking pressure to make sure that everything is in order!

Today was my monitoring appointment for IUI #3, and also my chance to talk to the Dr. about what to do now, if things don't work out.  I was a little bit disappointed with where things are at this cycle.  Thus far, I have one 19mm follicle, and 5 follies under 10mm, with my lining only at a 5.5.  I am supposed to use OPK's to see if I surge on my own (I should), and if not, do the Ovridrel injection on Friday for IUI on Saturday. I am trying to think really positively about things and believe that this could be it - that 3 weeks from now I could actually be pregnant. Unfortunately I find my head more frequently wandering to the other scenario, in which three weeks from now, I am meeting with my RE to talk about WTF to do next.

I have two applications sitting around for some programs that would help cover the cost of IVF, and one chance to possibly join a clinical trial that would cover the full cost of one IVF cycle, minus medications and genetic testing. I really, really don't want to get to that point, but then again, I never wanted to be here, 3 IUI's deep either. Bottom line - it isn't fair, and I just need to get used to it.

Give Me Just a Reason

Last week, I discovered this song. I cannot stop listening to it. Damn, if I haven't been there before.

 

As a Pisces through and through, music, dance, art, etc. is life-changing for me. It is so reflective of everything that I am thinking and feeling and expresses more than I feel capable of.  I cannot wait for this season of SYTYCD. If you are not a fan of the show, you are wrong. It is SO freaking good. I am priming for this season by watching a few of my favorite routines from past seasons.

 

This one is probably my all time favorite.

 

Followed by this one:

 

Literally, my blog serves no purpose today other than to rock your world with these amazing musical and dance stylings. Enjoy!!

 

 



IF Fricking Sucks

Yeah, yeah - we're back to that again. I definitely didn't think that so much of my 32nd year would be spent with vag cams, getting poked and prodded, and having so much blood drawn that my elbow-pits are bruised - but that is my life.

I was optimistic last cycle - like, genuinely felt good that things finally worked for us. I made it until 14dpiui, went in for my betas, and right before I got the awesome phone message telling me "You're not pregnant", AF showed up. For some reason this time was more of a punch to the gut than previous cycles. That was month 25. More than two years of this crap. It is exhausting. Physically and emotionally. I don't know how much more I have left in me. The thing is - what other choice do I have??  If I ever want to be a mother, I need to keep going. Quitting isn't an option, as much as I want to quit. I can't give up.

Today as I went to the RE for the start of my 3rd IUI cycle it was with only a fraction of the optimism I've had in the past. It was hard to not cry, sitting in that office, wondering if this would ever be over - if I would ever get my happy ending.  I was standing in line at the pharmacy with a box of tampons, midol, and my prescription for Clomid, and of course standing right in front of a very pregnant woman, and literally, for the first time, it sort of sucked.

I just need to find some strength. Because right now, I don't have enough.

#EndTheVABacklog

I am absolutely exhausted, but am home after spending a taxing, but inspiring week advocating for veterans on The Hill.

In case you don't know, March 19th marked the 10th anniversary of the start of the Iraq war. There are still 60,000-ish troops in Afghanistan, and more than 2.6 million Americans  have now deployed in support of Operation Eduring Freedom, Operation Iraqi Freedom, and Operation New Dawn.

Unfortunately, we don't always do the best job at taking care of these men and women when they come home.  Currently over 900,000 claims are pending at the VA, and it is anticipated that by the end of the month, that number will exceed 1,000,000. Of those claims, nearly 700,000 are backlogged, meaning they have been pending for over 125 days. This is unacceptable. In fact, the average wait time right now is more than 273 days, and in many major cities, like NYC and LA, the wait time is more than 600 days.  This is just for initial claims to be processed! Appeals often take even longer. 97% of all claims are still on paper. Yes, in 2013. In fact, some VA facilities have actually had to close due to the weight of the claims threatening the structural integrity of the buildings. This is what the VA backlog means to many vets. http://sth2013.tumblr.com/

I won't often ask things of you, but if you would please consider signing this petition, asking the President to step in and form a Presidential Commission to bring the best minds in the coutry together and create a plan to end the backlog, it would mean the world to so many veterans.  If you wouldn't mind signing, and sharing, please visit the following site: http://iava.org/sth2013

Thank you for caring, and for demanding better care for our veterans!

Swamped

I have been absolutely freaking swamped. This week, I have not left work prior to 8pm, and have been dog tired by the time I get home. We are gearing up for our biggest event of the year at work, and on Sunday I leave for a full week to participate as the point person for one nationwide component of this project. Yikes!  Super excited, a little nervous, and moderately overwhelmed.

I am several days late updating on my last RE appointment, but because I haven't really talked to anyone about it, you are getting the full update. (Yay for you).

This cycle I did 100mg of Clomid from days 3-7, and went in for my monitoring appointment on Wednesday, which was CD10. I was hoping for better progress than what I got, especially since I am leaving town on Sunday, and wanted to be sure to get the IUI in before I left.  Unfortunately, on Wednesday, my lining was only at a 6.5 (last cycle it was at 9), and while I had 5 follicles, they were measuring smaller than last cycle. I had a 12mm on the right, and a 16, 12, and two 11mm on the left.  As I understand it, follies usually grow about 2mm in 24-36 hours, and they like to see them at around 18mm or better before the IUI. I have been hoping like crazy that those bad boys grew like crazy and that I will have a few good targets.

New this cycle was the introduction of a trigger shot. Me and shots don't mix. At all.  I hate getting my blood drawn, I hate the finger prick and I really really hate shots. However, in order to time things properly and get this shiz done before my work trip, it was a necessary evil.  It wasn't nearly as bad as I had psyched myself out that it would be, and now I am all geared up to go in for my IUI tomorrow.

I will be wearing my St.Jude medallion, my rose quartz bracelet and will be begging prayers, positive thoughts, and well-wishes from family, friends and strangers alike. 26 months in and I am ready for something to work!

I am assuming the next week will be insane, and I don't know if I will be able to check in, but hopefully I will have some really awesome news to report in a couple of weeks!