What NOT to Say...

Posts like this are up all over the place about infertility - and I mostly agree with all of them. There is stuff you just DON'T say to someone with Infertility.  Kind of like you don't ask a woman how much she weighs, if she is pregnant, how old she is, etc. You also don't ask someone with a disabled child "what's wrong with them?" Or, with an adopted child, "Do you know who the real parents are?" Unfortunately, common sense in terms of appropriate interrogation is not that common after all. Additionally, I think that while generally people mean no harm, their ignorance can be really harmful. I wanted to take a different angle on this though....

My sister is adopted. She is a different race than me. When we were kids, we would dress up in matching outfits and say, "Look mom and dad -we're twins!" As far as we were concerned, we were just as much sisters as anyone else born into the same family biologically. It wasn't until years later when someone said to me, "You only have two real sisters though, right?" when I realized that maybe people didn't see my family the same way I did. It was like a punch to the gut. I quickly responded, "No, I have three REAL sisters, but if you mean biological, one of my sisters is adopted. She's still real, and she's still my sister." I felt a fierce need to defend my sister's place in our family.

Years later, as we are struggling with infertility and exploring the options that are available to us, I can't help but consider these things. There is a chance that we will have a biological child of our own, either naturally (slim chance), or with the help of ART. But, we have also always talked about adopting, and have very recently discussed embryo adoption in addition to traditional adoption. The point is, that I realized that the question of  "Where do babies come from?"  is no longer a simple one. Families are built in so many different ways. Odds are, my family will not be formed in the way that most people consider "normal." Thus, I will need to consider those pesky questions that will come down the road - in addition to the annoying questions and "helpful" advice that I already get.